Dublin Days

Síofra is 6!

2010-05-08T08:40:00.002+01:00

You

2010-02-25T20:42:00.004Z

All the hope, all the expectation.
All the worries, all the excitement.
All that came before you, everything we endured, the tears we shed, the fear to look ahead.
All of that fades with every day that I spend with you. And sometimes it all makes sense.
I used to ask myself, Why me?

Now I know the answer to that question.

I sit and watch you sleep, so perfect, and sweet and miraculous. And I know that all that has passed made my heart bigger, and softer, and open.

It made me ready to love you.

Happy 4th Birthday, Paddy!

2010-02-19T09:46:00.002Z

MORE CAKE!

2010-02-15T21:55:00.003Z

Here's my Valentine's Day cake that I didn't get made until February 15th.

Oh well.

It's kind of a chocolate version of the "Busy Day Cake." It's a simple one layer number that's quick and easy.

Chocolate Cake

1 cup flour
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 cup milk
1/4 cup butter
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 egg

Mix dry ingrediants together.
Add milk, butter and vanilla, mix.
Add the egg, mix.

Pour into a greased, floured 9 x 1 1/2 inch cake pan.

Bake at 350 F (180 C) for 30-35 minutes.

Dust with powdered sugar.

(There is more to my life than cakes...will try to write something real soon.)

Cakes

2010-02-08T16:11:00.006Z

I have to agree with Sarah on her analysis of Facebook. So I'm joining her in making an effort to do some real writing and recording of our family life. People always say, "They change so quickly" and they're right-so I want to have some written snapshots of our family before this times slips away from me.

I am coming to terms that inside my feminist exterior is a hardcore homemaker. It's a box I never thought I could tick, but here I am: it's coming up on 5 p.m. and I have the dinner nearly ready, things are relatively tidy in the house, the kids are playing "school" nicely (or at least I can't hear any screams, so I'm content to leave them alone) and Ciarán is happy in his high chair chewing on something. So why not make a cake???

I really love making cake for our dessert. There's something so wholesome about making a cake from scratch that negates any guilty feelings about indulging in dessert on a weekday. Hey, it's only flour, sugar, egg, butter and milk! My favorite cake recipe comes from a cookbook I got in college from one of my fellow co-op dwellers, Floyd. It's an old school Better Homes and Gardens cookbook. The recipe is called the "Busy Day Cake," which conjures up images of a 50's housewife in her high heels and dress popping a few Valium and then whipping up one of these cakes just in time for the husband to come home. I'm wearing Converse and unless you class 2 cups of Lyons tea as illicit stimulants, I'm clean living. But this cake will be done in time for Daithí to get home, so I'm nearly there.

I was pretty excited to use my new Valentine's Day cake pan, albeit a few days early.

Busy Day Cake

1 1/3 cups flour
2/3 cup sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
2/3 cup milk
1/4 cup margarine or butter
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla

Combine all the ingredients and mix. Pour into a greased and floured cake pan, bake at 180 C (350 F) for 25-30 minutes.

Dust with icing sugar (powdered sugar).

Ciarán Tadhg, my Stargazer

2009-10-13T11:45:00.016+01:00

Ciarán, born June 6th 2009
9:27 am
8lbs. 10 oz.

I can't believe it's been 4 months since Ciarán was born. I've been meaning to write about his birth for ages, but I'm only now getting the chance to do it. I guess I wanted to give it the time it deserves, because it was such a deep experience. But, as I've said before, writing the birth story of a child is so important-better late than never!

The drama of Ciarán's birth began a week before his arrival, when the midwife found that he was lying transverse. Because this posed a risk of prolapsed cord if my water broke, I had to go into the hospital. I was broken hearted heading in there. It was a beautiful sunny bank holiday weekend, and we had made plans to spend that Sunday in the park. By the time I'd walked up to Holles St. he'd turned head down again, and thankfully he stayed that way for 24 hours and I was released. What I did get out of that stay in hospital was a bit of rest, something that had eluded me at home with the two other kids.

That was the week of Daithí's election, so he was very busy and we were all preoccupied. On Friday, the day of the voting, I dropped Síofra off at school and had a chat with my principal. I remember telling him that this baby was waiting for the election to be over before arriving. I didn't realize then how precise this prediction would be!

The polls closed that night at 10 o'clock. Daithí was with other campaigners at a friend's house. At 10:05 pm I felt a pop and realized that my water had broken. I really hadn't expected this because with the other two my water hadn't broken until minutes before their births. This was the first of Ciarán's surprises. I called Daithí to come home and I also rang the midwife to come and check the baby's position, even though I wasn't having any contractions yet. From the time I called the midwife out and when she arrived, I literally didn't move from the chair I was sitting on. I felt frozen there, afraid that he was transverse and if I stood up and had a gush of fluid, the cord would come down. This feeling of fear doesn't lend itself to labor getting started! The midwife, Kate, arrived at 11 o'clock and checked me. Ciarán was head down, but still a bit high and I wasn't dilated. This didn't really surprise me, but I was relieved that he was head down. Kate left and told me to call her back when things got going, which would probably be during the night. Daithí and I went to bed. When Paddy was born I'd been able to sleep during early labor, so I thought I'd do the same this time. I did sleep, but the contractions were slow to start and irregular. At 5 am I felt things were far enough along to call Kate back. I also called Dee, my friend and doula, to come over. They arrived about 20 minutes later and...things slowed down to a near halt. The contractions weren't very strong, and were irregular. I knew this myself, and I was feeling really discouraged. I'd thought the baby would have been born by early morning! Dee and I took a walk outside, but that didn't help, either. I also became really aware of being watched, and started to feel self-conscious; plus, I knew Síofra and Paddy would be waking up at 7 or so, and as that time approached, the contractions slowed down even more. I started to believe this baby was never going to be born.

The kids woke up at 7:30 am, and Daithí quickly got them dressed. Arrangements had been made for our friend Keith to take care of them that day, and Dee drove them over there. Dee had sensed that I was feeling "watched" so she headed home after dropping the kids at Keith's, so that I could have a bit more privacy. At 8 am there was a shift change for the midwives; Kate went home and Niamh arrived. That's when everything changed.

I'd met Niamh first 5 years ago the day that Síofra was born. She was the person who planted the idea of having a homebirth in my head. Although she wasn't present at Paddy's birth, she had been part of the team of midwives who provided my antenatel care. And when we lost Fionn she was at his memorial service. She'd joked with me earlier that week that she was on duty Saturday and if the baby was born then it'd complete the circle for us. I was really glad to see her that morning!

Photo: Our two midwives: (l) Nicki, (r) Niamh

As soon as Niamh arrived the whole atmosphere changed. She started by telling me I needed to get warmed up. She cranked up the heat and closed the windows. I remember her saying, "Ok, where are you going to have this baby? Over here by the radiator would be nice and warm." She set up a place for me to give birth. All of the sudden I felt like I was actually going to have this baby soon! Niamh called for the second midwife to come over, which also boosted my confidence that the baby was indeed ready to be born. Nicki arrived 15 minutes later. In the midst of Niamh getting the house ready for a birth, she came over to me as I sat on the birthing ball and said, "Just remember, you have your little Fionn watching over you through this." Something inside of me shifted, and I had a little cry. I was still holding on to the fear and grief that was deep inside me. Those few tears released that; this was a profound moment for me. I realized that even though I was desperate for my baby to be born, my own body and mind were holding him in. Once I let go of that last bit of fear, the contractions came on fast and furious. This happened at about 8:30 am.

The apartment was roasting hot. Niamh got me into an even hotter shower. I returned to the corner of the room she'd set up. There were towels and plastic on the floor, and she'd set a chair for Daithi to sit in with the kids' little pink bathroom stool in front of it for me to squat on. I was beginning to feel a bit of an urge to push, but it was nothing like the overwhelming urge to push I'd had with Síofra and Paddy. I tried pushing a little, but it didn't seem to be going anywhere. I couldn't believe how different this birth was from the others! I thought I knew my body, but this was new territory. Niamh checked me at 9:10 am, I was three centimeters. I couldn't believe it was only that much, because I felt like the intensity was as full on as it could get. Niamh dragged me back into the shower, even though I was crying that I couldn't do it anymore. I threw up in the bathroom, which made Niamh very happy! I made an attempt at a few pushes in the shower, so we headed back to the corner. Daithí sat in the chair behind me and supported me under my arms, while I squatted down on the little stool. Niamh kept telling me that I'd have to squat deeply, which isn't a position I'd imagined using or felt inclined towards using. What she knew that I didn't know was that Ciarán was in an unusual position, occiput posterior. She was wise enough not to tell me this, and knew that a deep squat would help me push him out. At 9:25 am I was pushing with all my might. When I say all my might, I mean that I was using every single ounce of energy and power that I had. Every time he'd move down a bit, he'd slip back up at the end of the push. Niamh, Nicki and Daithí were all encouraging me to push harder and harder, and even though I felt I didn't have anymore to give, I did. Daithí told me to look at the clock, that our baby would be born by 9:30. It was 9: 26. That really encouraged me, and with one last monumental push, Ciarán's head was out. The rest of him came out with one more little push. It was 9:27 am. I have never, ever felt so relieved in my life. Niamh put him into my arms.

When Niamh told me he'd been OP, or "sunny side up," all the stopping and starting of the labor made sense, as did all that ferocious pushing. Not only that, but he was a nice big baby, too-8 lbs. 10 oz. (A whole pound bigger than Paddy had been.) I quickly delivered the placenta and then Ciarán and I moved to the couch and he immediately began feeding. The photo at the top of this post was taken about 10 minutes after he was born. He fed, and fed and fed all that day.

Síofra and Paddy came home that afternoon and were thrilled to meet their new little brother. Daithí had a very disappointing election result, but the joy of our new baby helped us to get over that.

Babies who are born face up, like Ciarán was, are called "Stargazers." I can't begin to thank Ciarán enough for all the joy and healing he has already brought into my life and into our family. After losing Fionn, I didn't think I'd feel hope and happiness the same way again, but thanks to my stargazer Ciarán, I am.

My dear friend and doula, Dee, met Ciarán for the first time the following morning. Even though she wasn't there at the moment of his birth, she was a part of it. She wrote this poem for Ciarán's welcoming ceremony.

Ciaran "StarGazer"

To dare to hope again,
to dare to love again,
all the what ifs,
the burden of worry that just wouldn't go away.
In the darkness and warmth you grew,
silent and steady.
With you grew the hope again,
what if everything will be okay?
Silent and steady,
the only evidence the swelling of your Mama's belly.
So precious, so private, so much.
you remind us of the mystery
little stargazer.

All my love Dee, your doula in spirit

My 5 year old

2009-05-08T09:12:00.007+01:00

Síofra turned five last week. I think every child's birthday provokes reflection from her mother. She has been surprising us since the day she was born but she's grown up and changed so much this year that, in the Corkonian words of my sister-in-law, it's unbelievable.

Here's a summary of Síofra at 5 years old:

School: Síofra loves school; she loves her teacher, Mrs. Dunphy; she loves her friends there, especially Kelly, Diana, Powell and Christian; she loves doing her homework; she really loves P.E.; and her favourite part of the day, she says, is yard time. Sometimes when I'm on my break I look out our staffroom window and I can see her out on the yard playing. Usually she's running around the tree, sometimes she's playing with the hula-hoops. She always looks happy, and above all, I'm thrilled that she's enjoying school so much.

Reading: Síofra's class have been preparing to read for months, and finally got really going in March. Over the Easter break something clicked for Síofra, and now she's a reading machine. It's as if her eyes have been opened to every sign we pass, every word she sees on a billboard, and to all of her books at home. It's really exciting to see.

Paddy: A year ago, I never imagined Síofra and Paddy would have the relationship they have now. They are really best friends. Of course, they annoy each other, and even fight sometimes. But most of the time they play together and have great fun, and they have the most interesting conversations. Most of their games are imagination ones, and most of the time Síofra is either Paddy's mother or teacher. It usually involves a bit of bossiness but mostly her having an air of authority. He doesn't seem to mind. They had a great performance last week when some classical music was on the radio-Síofra was a princess who was dying (very dramatially) and Paddy was the "handsome prince" (his new name for himself) who discovers her and kneels by her side. Daithí and I were awestruck by the complexity of the scene and by how fully they were in role. We were also cracking up.

Food: Síofra eats more than any other human being I know. She really loves food. And although she loves her goodies as much as the next person, above all she really loves good food. Her favourite meal is spaghetti and salad, but she also loves quiche and tofu. After her first few bites of dinner, she exclaims, "Delicious!" She usually has 2 or more helpings at dinnertime. She has such a healthy shape to her-not skinny, not chubby, but incredibly strong. I love her approach to food, she really enjoys it.

Awareness of the World: Síofs is always surprising us with how much she understands about the wider world. She's very interested in different places and their cultures. It helps that her best friends at school are Rwandan, Romanian, Fillipino and Mongolian. Something was on the news recently about a war, and she asked if "those men are in a bad army, like Isreal." She has great sympathy for Palestine, and enjoys chanting "Free, free, Palestine!" at the top of her lungs. Granted, she's attended more than her fair share of Palestinian demonstrations, and sometimes I've wondered if knowing about the violence and injustice that happens in the world scares her. But so far, she just seems to be invested in what's right and wrong, what's fair and unfair, and she seems to understand that it's good to have an opinion. That makes me happy.

There's so much I could say about Síofra, but suffice it to say she's an amazing little girl who is a joy to be around.

Jammin'

2009-05-03T20:15:00.003+01:00

Got the video camera at Christmas...still figuring the damn thing out.

Hope this works: a highlight from Síofra's birthday party, Musical Statues.

Resurfacing

2009-04-07T21:24:00.002+01:00

The easy option for me would be to blame Facebook. It is pretty addictive.

But the truth to why I haven't posted anything here since September 8th is that I've been hibernating for the past 7 months. Actually, hibernating sounds too cosy, like a long nap. More like holding my breath, afraid to move to quickly, desperate to not look back and too frozen in time to look ahead.

But I am desperate to come up for air.

I swallowed my panic and bought a baby outfit today.

9 weeks to go...

Future Rock Stars

2008-09-08T22:16:00.002+01:00

Is it really surprising that our kids are so cool?

Any suggestions for the name of their band?

First Day of School

2008-09-01T13:26:00.002+01:00

Síofra started school today. She was very excited this morning, but got very shy when we arrived at the school. However, there were no tears (maybe a little bit from me) and she enjoyed her day.

Here she is, on her big day...

Farewell, Sunny Days

2008-07-24T21:21:00.003+01:00

Tomorrow is the kids' last day at their creche. They both started there last August, and while there's probably not a perfect childcare situation that exists, we were all very happy with the place, and the people who cared for them there. Both of them love going there each morning; there have never been tears or sadness when we left them there. They've made friends that we talk about all of the time at home, and some that we even see at the park nearby. Paddy has learned to sing loads of songs, but his favourite is You Are My Sunshine. He and Trish, one of the women who works there, sing it together. Síofra is well prepared for school in September, and much of that is due to her work at the creche.

We would have been happy to keep Paddy there, but he got a place in another local, community creche that is subsidised, and costs less than half what this place does. So this decision is really about economics. The price of childcare here is insane; for the past 12 months we've been paying 1 1/2 times our mortgage in childcare. It was a killer, but come September we'll only be paying 1/4 of what we are now. So, in theory, we'll be rolling in dough. Yeah, right.

It's 9:30 pm and the apartment is about 101 degrees...not because of an Irish heat wave, but because I've got the oven on cranking out 24 cupcakes for the kids to take into school tomorrow, for their farewell party.

It's kind of sad to say goodbye to all the people at Sunny Days (the name of the creche is "Sunny Days" in Irish), but there are exciting times ahead, with new beginnings for the kids. Another lesson in letting go, and moving on.

Lasagne Casserole

2008-07-21T21:14:00.003+01:00

Ok, so Rachel Ray does sort of scare me with her extreme brand of enthusiasm, but I did steal this recipe from her and modify it for us vegetarians. And both the kids asked for another helping, so it must be good.

what you need:
1/2 onion, chopped
1/2 courgette (zucchini) chopped
2 cloves garlic
4 mushrooms, chopped
2 tins chopped tomatoes
1 tspn. sugar
1 Tbsp. soy sauce
handful of fresh basil, torn up
1 package Quorn mince, or TVP
1/2 tub ricotta cheese
bow-tie pasta
1/2 cup parmasan cheese

what to do:
Heat up some "E.V.O.O." (that's "extra virgin olive oil" in Rachel Ray-hyper-speak) and add the onion. When the onion is softened, add the courgette and the mushrooms. Another 4 minutes later, add the garlic. Fry for another 2 minutes.

Then add the Quorn, and stir. Add the tomatoes and their juice, stir. Add the sugar and soy sauce. Add the basil. Let this simmer while you cook the pasta.

Cook the pasta, drain and then add to the sauce. Add the ricotta and stir. Salt to taste.

Pour all of it into a baking dish. Sprinkle the parmasan on top.

Bake in a moderate over for 20 minutes or so.

The Weekend in Pictures

2008-07-20T17:40:00.022+01:00

Our weekend adventure starting by getting the 10 a.m. train from Dublin to Cork.

Arriving early on Friday gave us the afternoon at Muriel's (Grandma's) house to relax in the garden. It got so hot Daithí even hosed the kids down! The kids loved watering the plants and playing in the "forest" at the end of the garden.

Síofra enjoyed some quiet time collecting apples with Auntie Ann.

Saturday we went to the beach at Garretstown. It turned out to be a scorching day, don't misled by everyone wearing jackets in these photos.

Daithí spent a lot of time like this...
And thanks to this t-shirt I have really weird sunburn lines.

And, of course, we had lots of cups of tea with Muriel!

Get Outta Town!

2008-07-17T21:16:00.003+01:00

We're heading to for the weekend.

Later,

The Price of Ten Minutes Peace

2008-07-16T20:39:00.005+01:00

Mmm, Síofra and Paddy sure are playing quietly in the bedroom. I haven't heard a peep for ten minutes. I'd better just check to make sure everything's ok...

What the...!?!?!

The Story

2008-07-15T11:16:00.003+01:00

Writing the story of Fionn's death and birth is something I've been meaning to do for months. I knew in my mind that I had to do it, but I was afraid. I was afraid to relive all the painful moments of that time. But today I just decided to do it, to get it off my shoulders. I hope this isn't too upsetting for you to read. I debated whether or not to put it here, that maybe that was making myself too vulnerable. But it's his story and I decided that it would be respectful to him to share it.

The first 19 weeks of my pregnancy with Fionn were uneventful. I remember feeling hesitant, at times, about the health of the pregnancy, but given that I’d had two early miscarriages, I would have felt that anyway. I first felt him move at 16 weeks, and that movement quickly became regular. I remember when I’d put Síofra and Paddy to bed at night, I’d lay on my back on the floor of their bedroom, and he’d always move then. I really enjoyed that quiet time I had with him as the other two children fell asleep.

On the evening of the 12th of December, I was lying on the couch and the kids were playing. Fionn began kicking vigorously, so that I could see it from the outside of my stomach. I called Síofra over to feel it. I remember feeling like I could really relax into the pregnancy then, that it was real and I began to feel excited. The next few days were very intense; in the early hours of the 15th of December, my friend Dee gave birth to her son at home, and I was with her. The midwife didn’t make it on time, so her husband Richie and I caught her baby as he was born. It was a great experience. But the same thought kept creeping into my head-When did I last feel my baby move? It had been Wednesday night. Two days without noticeable movement at 20 weeks pregnant didn’t seem to be a cause for alarm. But I was alarmed.

On Saturday morning I had been up all night at the birth of Dee’s baby, and only managed to get about 3 hours sleep that morning. Daithí had to go out to work, so I had the kids on my own for the afternoon. I called the midwives, and told them I was concerned about not feeling the baby move. They told me not to worry, but that I could come in for a quick check with the Doppler. I tried to convince myself that all my worry was just down to exhaustion and lack of sleep. I headed into the hospital that morning, Saturday the 15th of December, to see the midwives, bringing the kids with me.

I laid on the examining table; Paddy was in the buggy, and Síofra was standing next to him. The midwife ran the Doppler over my belly, and picked up what she said was the baby’s heartbeat. I felt relieved. She told me to believe in my baby and relax. When we got Fionn’s postmortem results, it showed that he’d already died by this time, so what the midwife heart couldn’t have been his heartbeat. But I wouldn’t have wanted the kids to be there when I heard the news he’d died, so it was probably best that I didn’t find out that day.

The next day we headed out to see Dee, Richie and the new baby. We visited them for a while, and Dee gave me a beautiful crystal necklace as a gift for being her doula. Then we got the bus into town and took the kids to see Santa. We debated whether or not to go that day, or to wait until the next weekend, and thankfully, we did go, because we certainly wouldn’t have had the chance the following weekend.

I had a regular, 20 week ultrasound schedule for Tuesday, the 18th of December. I went into work for an hour or so, then headed off to the hospital to meet Daithí. As we waiting for the appointment, I was very anxious. I still hadn’t felt the baby move again. I sat there concentrating, hoping to feel something, but I didn’t. They had given me a pamphlet about ultrasound, and what they could tell from the scan. I couldn’t even bring myself to read it, because I was so afraid there was something terribly wrong with the baby.

When we got into the darkened ultrasound room, I laid on the table, and Daithí held my hand as the technician put the wand onto my belly. There was quiet, as she moved it around a few times. And then she said, “I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”

This was, by far, the worst moment of my life. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I felt a cold tingle throughout my body. And my heart was pounding. Daithí put his head in his hands. I felt trapped in my body, unable to stay still, but too afraid to move. I kept screaming “No! I can’t do this!” as the midwife continued to scan to try and get more precise measurements. It was the same feeling you get when you have a terrible dream, and wake up. But this was real, and I couldn’t escape it.

After a few minutes, they got me calmed down enough to go to another room, to meet a doctor and discuss what would happen next. I couldn’t look at anyone in the hallway as I walked there. As we waited for the doctor, Daithí started to make some phone calls, to let people know what had happened. It was so sad for me to hear him telling people, to have to say that our baby had died, over and over. The doctor arrived, along with one of the community midwives who I’d been seeing for my antenatal care. The doctor explained to me that I’d be given a tablet to ripen the cervix, and that I’d come back two days later for more medication to induce labor. The thought of waiting two whole days to end the nightmare seemed like something I couldn’t withstand. But the midwife explained that it might be a good thing to have some time to process what had happened. In hindsight, she was right. I took the tablet to start the process of having my baby, something that went against every instinct I had, but I knew I had to do it. I said to Daithí then that we had to name this baby.

I went home then. I was exhausted but I found it very hard to sleep. Whenever I went to bed all the grief would overwhelm me. So I slept mostly on the couch, watching TV in the hope that it would distract me enough to fall asleep. I could not bear to be alone, so Daithí stayed with me all the time. I was too afraid to leave the house. Friends of ours picked up Síofra and Paddy from the crèche, and I was so glad to see them. I thought I’d loved them as much as possible, but suddenly, I loved them even more.

The next day we started to plan a service for our baby. Daithí was in contact with the bereavement officer from the hospital, and she helped us to organize it all. We decided to allow the hospital to bury him in the babies’ plot in Glasnevin Cemetary and to have the service on Saturday, so that Daithí’s family could come from Cork. And we decided what name we’d give our baby.

The next morning Daithí took the kids into the crèche at 8 a.m. I got ready to go to the hospital for 9:00. I packed a bag, something I’d never intended on doing, since I planned this baby to be born at home. I wore the necklace Dee had given me. We walked to the hospital. I was given a private room, on the labor and deliver ward, but we kept the door closed so we wouldn’t see or hear anyone else. At 11:00 the doctor came in and explained that I’d be given a dose of medicine to begin labor then, and again at 2:00. She said that hopefully the baby would be born that afternoon, and if there were no complications I could go home that evening. Daithí and I spent that day watching TV and talking. At 2:00 pm I started to get cramps, and by 4:00 they were contractions. Things went quickly then. I kneeled on the bed for a while, then I stood at the foot of the bed, holding onto the rails at the end of the bed. At 4;45 pm I got really hot, just as I had when I was about to give birth to Síofra and Paddy. The midwives had offered me pain medication, but I turned it down. I knew I needed to feel all of this to make it real, and make it over. I also felt like feeling the pain of childbirth was how I could show the baby how much I loved him.

I knew that it would be soon. Daithí opened the window and let in some cool air. The labor felt just the same as with Síofra and Paddy; it was just as strong. I told Daithí to get the midwife, because I felt some pressure. I climbed onto the bed and squatted there. The midwife came in then, but things seemed to pause. She wanted to to an exam to see how dilated I was, but I didn’t want that. I put my hands on my belly and told the baby that I was ready. He was born at 5:00 p.m., with one little push. The birth didn’t hurt, given how small and soft he was. But he was perfect.

I got cleaned up and they gave Fionn to us to hold, on a towel. His skin was paper thin and delicate, but we could see his eyebrows, his tiny ears and the little hairs on his body. They gave me an injection to help the placenta come out, as this often doesn’t happen easily in these cases. The medicine made me sick, and I threw up. But thankfully, about a half hour after he was born, the placenta came out whole.

Dee arrived ten minutes after Fionn was born. She is the only person, aside from the midwives, to see him. We sat for over an hour holding him, looking at every part of him. Then the midwife suggested I take a shower while she took Fionn’s hand and footprints for us. After I’d showered, she brought Fionn back to us in a little basket. We stayed for another hour and a half. We met with a doctor to sign the consent form to have a postmortem done. Then I felt it was time to go. I’d worried about how I’d leave our baby at the hospital. But I didn’t feel that then. I didn’t feel he was there, just his body. I was relieved to be going home, that I didn’t have to stay in the hospital overnight.

We got a taxi home, and Daithí’s sister, who had been minding the kids, stayed with us that night. When I got home I changed clothes and got on the couch. Suddenly I became freezing cold and shaking. I guess this was shock. That night I slept soundly for the first time in days.

Friday passed, and we finalized our plans for Fionn’s service. On Saturday about 40 people gathered at the hospital chapel for the service. There were so many there they didn’t all fit into the room. I held Fionn’s tiny white coffin on my lap. A friend of Daithí’s, who is a priest, did the service. Richie read A Time for Everything:

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Dee read a beautiful piece by Sister Stan.

Everyone there took a stone from a bowl. These were the stones we used for Síofra’s naming ceremony. We played Rufus Wainwright’s version of Across the Universe and each person placed their stone back in the bowl, making a wish for our family.

Afterwards Daithí and I had a moment alone with Fionn, and said goodbye again. Then people came back to our house for tea and cake.

Six weeks later we met with a doctor to hear the results of Fionn's postmortem. They could not find a cause for his death. This was actually a good result, and the most common finding in cases like ours. It means that there's no increased risk of this happening again to us. It also meant that I can continue to see him in my mind as perfect, that I don't have a specific part of his body to think of as being made wrong.

This seems like the end of the story, but it’s really the beginning. The past seven months have been the most transforming of my life. I am learning how to allow Fionn his place in my heart, while continuing to live my life. Some days this is easier than others. But as hard as this has been for me, I am still happy to have known him for that short time, and I wouldn’t change that.

The meaning of his life continues to reveal itself as time passes.

Join the Club

2008-07-14T21:00:00.007+01:00

I was so excited to hear that my fabulous niece, Katy, has chosen to become vegetarian! Good for her! I'm so excited when I hear of young people making this decision, because it takes a good bit of courage and questioning to do it, and it's a choice that really opens your mind to questioning other parts of our culture of consumption. You can keep up to date with her and her friends vegetarian antics here.

So, welcome to the club, Katy! Here are a few of your fellow members:

Ringsend Sunday

2008-07-13T20:18:00.009+01:00

Surprise--It was sunny and warm today. So we stayed local today and headed to the Ringsend Regatta, a boatrace in the Liffey about 10 minutes walk from our place. Paddy slept through the event, but Síofra enjoyed it (the small, wooden rowboats are the ones racing).

After that, we went to the park, with ice creams, and hung out there for the afternoon. Síofra and Paddy spent 45 minutes digging up rocks and throwing them through a fence, working collaboratively all the while. I was impressed by their cooperation. The combination of dirt and sticky ice cream made Paddy's hands unbelievably dirty. But dirty hands are always a sign of a good day.Here's to more sunny days!

The Real Stories

2008-07-12T14:45:00.002+01:00

If you have a spare moment, read these takes on The Sound of Music and The Wizard of Oz!

This picture is for my sister, Maureen...sweet dreams!

Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start...

2008-07-11T21:04:00.009+01:00

I got my two new videos in the post today...

The Sound of Music.

I'm hoping Síofra will love it as much as I did as a girl. Does that make me a Weird Mom? Maybe. But, honestly, check out Georg in the Edelweiss scene...dreamy.

and

The Wizard of Oz.

The four of us watched it tonight. It was magical. Síofra was scared of the witch and the flying monkeys, just like I was (as a child, I can handle it now). Paddy was entranced, but seemed especially into the red smoke (and there's a lot of red smoke in this movie, never really realised it until now).

It's lovely to share these two films with my kids because of all the memories they hold for me. Thankfully, they enjoyed them, too, so I don't have to force it on them!

What?

2008-07-10T20:17:00.002+01:00

Síofra was playing restaurant tonight, busily taking our orders and writing them down on her pad of paper. This is a favourite game of hers, and she runs a very particular, Soviet style of restaurant; most of the things we ask for are unavailable, or are made in "another room" and will take a long time to prepare. But this particular exchange tonight really cracked us up...

Síofra: Ok, sir, what would you like to drink?

Daithí: Hello, Miss, I'd like a black coffee, please.

Síofra: Well, sorry, but we don't have black coffee here.

Daithí: Well, what DO you have?

Síofra: Um...we only have orange coffee and blue coffee.

Just Us Girls

2008-07-09T16:03:00.011+01:00

Today Síofra and I had a day out together; Paddy was in the creche, Daithí was in work, so it was just us. We haven't had many days like this, and it was a really enjoyable day.

First of all, we had to go to the Children's Hospital because Síofra had an appointment with the orthoptist. Long story short, about a year and a half ago her playschool teacher noticed that her right eye would occasionally drift out to the side. We've had a series of appointments with the orthoptist and a consultant, and for the past 3 months Síofra has been wearing an eyepatch 6 days a week, for 2 hours each day. Today's appointment was to see if this has made any difference--great news, the strabismus has improved greatly, as has Síofra's control of it. To be honest, I've only noticed it about 10 times in the past year, usually when she's tired. But the doctors can measure these things more accurately, and I was so pleased that our diligent use of the patch has worked. Síofra only has to wear it 1 hour a day now, and we go back in October to see if there's more improvement.

After the appointment we got the bus back into town and had a wander around. We got her school shoes for next year, which was very exciting. We got her uniform last week, but I'm saving the debut of that on this blog until September! Needless to say, she's super cute in it.

Then we had lunch in Eddie Rockets. Here's Síofra enjoying her ice cream.

Finally, we headed back towards the creche to collect Paddy, stopping at the National Gallery for an hour and checking out the art. Síofra really enjoys going there.

It was a great day, just us girls!

Pea-licious!

2008-07-08T20:54:00.005+01:00

My friend Margaret came over for lunch today and I made this really nice Pea Soup. Quick, easy and very good.

what you need:
1 small onion, finely diced
1 large potato, diced
750ml of vegetable stock (and I think it's worth it to find this one)
250g frozen peas
3 sprigs of fresh mint (keep these whole because you'll remove them later)

what to do:
Heat a bit of olive oil in a pot and add the onion. When it has softened, add the potato and cook for 5 more minutes.

Then add the peas, the stock and the mint sprigs. Let this come to a boil and then simmer for 15 minutes.

Take the pot off the heat, and remove the mint sprigs.

Puree the soup. Season with salt and black pepper to taste.

Seriously, it's really good. I served it with a tomato and feta salad, and some nice bread.
If you try this, let me know if you liked it!

Movie Night

2008-07-07T20:54:00.003+01:00

Ok, so my life is way to uneventful for daily blogging...but I'm trying my best not to let (the three of) you down!

Toy Story video + popcorn + milk= Good times

(and Síofra's doll, *Annika, liked it, too.)

*We don't know anyone, nor have we ever met anyone, named Annika, so that name must have come to Síofra in a dream.

The Two Loves of Sarah D. (no need to worry, Stephe)

2008-07-06T09:39:00.005+01:00

(this is in response to Sarah's comment on the last post, regarding Maltesers...)

When Sarah, Becky and I spent the summer in Dublin back in 1994, we found many loves; curry chips, numerous bartenders, pints, soup made with oatmeal, The Frames...

But Sarah forged two extra special relationships that summer-

and

So her comment asking how she could get her hands on Maltesers didn't surprise me, because I knew she was harking back to her love affair with another overseas chocolate, the Wispa.

Don't worry, Sar, I'm stocking up on Wispas to bring over to you, and I'll add a few packs of Maltesers to your care package, too.

For Certain: I'll have my own popcorn with Maltesers sprinkled in it

2008-07-05T17:10:00.004+01:00

We have a babysitter tonight and we're going to the movies...haven't been since November! We still haven't decided what to see:

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (supposed to be good, but maybe depressing?)
Hancock (a break from thinking)
Wanted (again, a no-brainer?)

If you comment in the next two hours I'll take your opinion into consideration.

Help! We might not get back to the cinema for another 8 months, this is a very important decision.

Art Imitating Life

2008-07-04T21:29:00.003+01:00

The rain stopped today...it was sunny and warm, FOR THE WHOLE DAY. This was a great surprise, especially after Daithí and I watched the weather forcast last night and it said that the weather would be crappy for 4-6 weeks. Yes, I said weeks. When Daithí left the house with the kids this morning, Paddy stared into the bright sky and exclaimed, "The sun! The sun!" If you consider that last summer it rained for 43 consecutive days, you can appreciate that it has probably been raining for most of Paddy's life, so sunshine really is a novelty for him.

So a surprise little summer's day snuck in today. I picked up the kids early and we went to the park for a little picnic and some time in the playground. Then, when we got home, they had a nice little game of dress up.

And the theme of Dress Up was...

...Rainy Day.

Not much to report

2008-07-03T21:01:00.005+01:00

I don't have any funny stories from today. It rained. All day. The kids did go into their creche, but they didn't get outside to play because of the unending rain. The result of this was two wild, cranky, stubborn children who you have to chase to get into the bathtub and who really, really don't want to go to bed.

They are asleep now. Daithí took the night off work because I was nearing meltdown, so now we're going to sit down with a glass of wine and some chocolate.

Is this the kind of day I'll laugh about in 20 years?

The Incredible...Paddy

2008-07-02T06:47:00.007+01:00

It's 6:48 am...and I've been up for an hour. I've made a commitment to myself to try and post something here everyday this summer, and since Paddy had the honour of waking us up at 5:54 am this morning, this one is dedicated to him.

The differences between Paddy and Síofra are always revealing themselves, and all our theory about gender and conditioning has pretty much gone out the window. He gets these surges of testosterone that baffle and amuse us; his favourite activity is wrestling (or, since he is half-Flintite, "rastling"), he lines up his miniature cars and then crashes them, adding his own sound effects, and, of all the cartoons in the world, he actually loves the very retro and sort of violent, "She-Ra, Princess of Power." I allow him to watch it because I figure there must be some sort of feminist message in there, I guess (and it allows me to drink a cup of tea uninterrupted).

But his latest, most entertaining, obsession is The Hulk. He saw a little bit of the film version on telly a few weeks ago, and since then, it's been non-stop Hulk action.

Luckily, all this aggression is usually followed by another favourite game of his, Baby Lion, where he's the baby lion and I'm the mommy lion and we get to snuggle.

Bulghar Pilaf with Tofu

2008-07-01T08:29:00.008+01:00

Tofu--people either love it or hate it. Most of the people who hate it have probably had a Bad Tofu Experience, and are afraid to try it again. Here's a nice little recipe we had for dinner tonight. Frying small cubes of tofu makes it nice and crispy, and very tasty. I love bulghar because it's quick to cook and has more flavour than rice.

Bulghar Pilaf with Tofu

what you need:
1 cup bulghar wheat
2 cups vegetable stock (or water)
1/2 onion, finely diced
1 carrot, finely diced
1/4 red pepper, finely diced
one handful of fresh spinach, chopped
(and any other vegetable that's lying around, finely diced. Courgette (zucchini) would be nice)
1/2 lb medium or firm tofu, cut into 1 inch cubes
2 teaspoons tamari, or soy sauce

what to do:
Heat two tablespoons of olive oil and add the onion, carrot and pepper. Fry for 3-4 minutes, until the carrot is tender. Then add the bulghar and give it a stir. Add the vegetable stock and cover the pot. Cook for 7 minutes, until the liquid is absorbed and the bulghar is tender. Add in the spinach and stir for one minute. Remove from the heat, and leave covered while you prepare the tofu.

Heat 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil in a frying pan. Then add the tofu cubes, and fry for 6-7 minutes, shaking the pan periodically so that all sides of the cubes turn golden. Add the tamari or soy sauce, and give it a shake so that the tofu is coated. Remove and set on paper towel.

Serve the pilaf with tofu cubes on top (or on the side, if you're like Síofra and need to keep different types of food separate on the plate). I served this with a little tomato salad.

Happy New Year

2008-06-27T20:41:00.002+01:00

Part of what I like about being a teacher is the fresh start we are afforded each year. June comes and goes, and with it a bittersweet end to a year's work. Then, a break from it all, and a new start in September.

As a teacher I've always felt that the new year began in September, not January. I operate according to this calendar. This means that today is New Year's Eve. I finished school for the year today; packed up my things, said goodbye to my class, had a delicious lunch with my colleagues, drank a few too many glasses of wine and enjoyed the company of my fellow teachers as friends.

I've been reflecting on this new year for a few weeks. It all seems even more significant to me this year, because of all I've been through. I am not the same person that started this year last September. My whole understanding of the world has changed, in ways I can hardly explain. And, again, the letting go of the past, though welcome, is still bittersweet. And I am grateful for another fresh start.

So, Happy New Year to you, and to me.

Doing Stuff

2008-06-02T20:59:00.009+01:00

The great weather we've been having over the past week or two has allowed us to get out and enjoy some of the things Dublin has to offer. Last weekend we spent Sunday at Africa Day in Dublin Castle. This was a day of entertainment, food and games celebrating Africa, and it drew over 8,000 people to the grounds of Dublin Castle. It was a great time, and the kids really enjoyed it.

Yesterday we walked five minutes from home to the Docklands Maritime Festival, where we saw boats of all descriptions, got the kids' faces painted for free, and perused the stalls. All while getting a sunburn.

And today, we headed out into the sunshine again (I love global warming) to Dun Laoighaire. We were just looking to get out of the city, but we found that free movies were being shown in the People's Park, so we sat ourselves down, got a falafel sandwich and stuffed vine leaves and watched Ice Age. It's great to live in a place with so much to offer...we left inspired, and even more sunburnt. I haven't felt the sunburn chills in many years, and I'm actually enjoying it.All that fun just makes ya wanna put your hair in a side pony and dance.

Birthdays

2008-05-25T07:45:00.002+01:00

Let's see how long Buzz Lightyear and Woody will give me to write something...

Daithí's 40th birthday party was a great success, but not without some sweat and tears in the preceding week. But all went off without a hitch. My attempts to take photos were thwarted by the demands of hostess, but luckily Kusi and Eric documented the evening with more skill and finesse than I could have. They came all the way from Berlin for the night and most certainly made the evening all the more special!

Becky also paid us a 5 day visit. I can't express how much I appreciate her traveling 21 hours all the way from L.A. to see us. We managed to get a couple of nights out on the town, and spent lots of time in the park with the kids. Miraculously, the weather was amazingly warm and sunny.

And, finally May 4th marked the day that Fionn, in different circumstances, was due to come into the world. We went out to the grave; it was a beautiful, warm and sunny day. Daithí and I both left letters we'd written there, along with a little lantern that holds a small candle. I hadn't had the time to think much about the day in advance, as I was so busy with Síofra's birthday party the week before, and with Becky's visit. I was struck by sadness when we arrived at the cemetery, but left feeling lighter and happier. I feel that something was completed by that day passing.

Well, Buzz and Woody have gone off babysitting duty, so I'm back to work...more later.

Yes, his son's middle name IS Rolf

2008-04-30T20:12:00.004+01:00

I have loved The Sound of Music since I was 5, when I got the record album for Christmas. I watched it religiously every year when it came on TV. And as a young adult, I even had the video. Soon, I'll be getting the film on DVD so that Síofra can share all my favourite moments: the Captain (or Georg, as I like to call him) breaking down during Edelweiss, only to have Maria join him and renew his strength and singing ability, and So Long, Farewell, with all its popping out to say Coo-Coo. And, of course, the gazebo scene, where Rolf and Liesl bench hop in the rain (though I do admit that the line "totally unprepared am I, to face a world of men" has stuck in my throat since my childhood).

My good friend Sarah (who was once serenaded to the tune of Edelweiss, but would rather forget the experience) shares my love for TSOM, and put us together with a little Bass ale and the MSU campus gazebo and a re-enactment will soon follow.

After Sarah's recent Rolf post, I was googling a picture of him to send to her, when I found this. Which leaves me with one question: Where did it all go wrong?

As much as I would have loved to have been the one to call an album "Gazebo Love," I can't help but think this is a desperate plea for a fan, preferably a stalker.

And then it got worse, when I followed this link from Daniel's website.

So go ahead, Rolf, blow that whistle, call your lieutenant, because selling Canine Hair Solutions is a crime.

Big Party Fun

2008-04-28T10:09:00.003+01:00

Síofra's 4th birthday party was a roaring, shouting, running, jumping, dancing success. And while doing the post-party sweeping of the community hall floor where we hosted the party, I couldn't help but think, thank god all this mess isn't on our living room carpet.

There were 16 children there, and most of the parents stayed, too. So it was worth my marathon baking session on Saturday night, because all 36 cupcakes were eaten! The entertainer from Gymboree did a great job, and with that many kids it really was essential that we had some sort of a focus to the madness. Síofra was in her element as Party Girl (the title she used for herself all day). She got an obscene amount of presents, so many that I've tucked a few away for a rainy day and she hasn't even noticed. Her and Paddy's favourites at the moment are these. All I can say is that I played with loads of Barbies as a child and I turned out ok, right?

Pictures, as promised...

Bubbles and balloons = fun times. Check out Paddy in the background contemplating how to climb up on top of that sound equipment. He succeeded later on, only to be rescued by Richie.

Cupcake heaven.

Holding court.

Paddy enjoys his food. He actually couldn't be any cuter.

Weird lighting makes Daithí fuzzy.

4 years ago today...

2008-04-25T08:12:00.002+01:00

...I looked like this. And I was chugging Gaviscon for my searing heartburn pain.

Siofra's big party is on Sunday; there will be 14 children there, and thankfully, we've hired an entertainer to do some singing and dancing with them. Hopefully this will allow the adults to have a cup of tea and a conversation?! She is so excited-she goes to bed talking about her birthday and wakes up thinking about it.

It's hard to believe it's been four years since her birth.

More later, including photos from the party...

Refresh

2008-03-27T20:35:00.016Z

We got back this afternoon from our two day holiday in Wicklow. After a rocky start to the 1 hour car journey there (Síofra turned green and we all thought she was going to redecorate the backseat of the rental car with her lunch) we arrived in Laragh safe and sound. The reward for the bumpy journey was a spendid walk in the woods at Glendalough, one of the most beautiful places in Ireland. I don't care that I've been there a million times over the past 14 years, it's spectacular and the views are magical everytime.

Síofra and Paddy turned every stone and tree stump they came upon to investigate the insects, leaves and rotting wood. Síofra was on the lookout for fairies, as they most certainly live in this forest. Sadly, she spotted none, but she did see where they gather at nighttime for their fairy parties. We spent a half hour at this upturned tree stump. Daithí found that when he gave his best shout, we could hear the most amazing echo through the glen, like in the cartoons. So the kids tried it, too.

The next day was bright and sunny, so we drove to the beach at Brittas Bay. It was gorgeous, and the kids loved it. Síofra spent 15 minutes alone examining the different colours of the sand. They collected shells, stones, and even dared to put their toes into the sea; braver than the parents were!
And, we visited one of my favourite places in Glendalough, the pagan well. The tree growing at this old well has been adorned with bits of fabric, ribbons, notes, and string by its visitors as they made a wish. When I was pregnant for Síofra I tied a ribbon on the tree and hoped for her to be born safe and sound. And just before I became pregnant for Paddy I did the same, and wished for another healthy baby. It's a special place for me; surrounded by mountains and next to a river, it's more special than any church or building could ever be. Unfortunately, a caretaker who thought he knew best decided that all these remnants of its visitors' hopes and dreams were "unsightly" (according to the woman at the info desk), and the tree has been cut back. But that didn't stop us.

So I made wish this time, too.

My Top Five Cookbooks

2008-03-20T20:31:00.011Z

A well-known Bridget fact is that I love to read cookbooks. In fact, I've accumulated quite a collection of cookbooks over the years (I just counted; I have 35, plus a load of Vegetarian Times and Veggie Life magazines). I especially love cookbooks that have reading in them; history of food, explaining the cuisine of a region, information on nutrition, etc.

So here are my top five cookbooks:

5. The Yoga Cookbook Vegetarian Food for Body and Mind
Don't let that title put you off--you don't need to be able to do a 10 minute downward dog to enjoy this food. The vegan recipes are simple, very wholesome and very delicious. Grains, proteins and vegetables each have their own chapters, which is helpful in understanding the importance and benefits each of these brings to your diet. Also, there's lots of reading about food and eating in a spiritual context, which is good to think about.

4. Sundays at Moosewood Restaurant
Becky gave me this one for Christmas back in 2000. Back in the days of Bridget's Bistro (when we'd have dinner parties and I'd spend 4 hours preparing a feast...talk about having time on my hands), I used this book to make Thai, Armenian, Italian and West African meals. Each chapter covers a geographical area, and has 3-4 pages of interesting introduction to that region's food. Tasty and educational. Favourite dish: Stewed Batilgian, an Armenian eggplant stew.

3. Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book
Part of what I love about this one is the inscription written inside: This book is essential in every kitchen. Enjoy! Love, Floyd "The Vegan" Brock
Floyd was a fellow co-op resident back in East Lansing, known for his laid back attitude crossed with vegan aggression. I think he gave it to me for Christmas back in 1995 or so. How crazy old is that? It's such a great book, though. Very simple, everyday recipes that you really use. Like how to make a regular cake. Or oatmeal cookies. Or quiche. And if I ever need to know the 7 wholesale cuts of beef, (chuck, rib, short loin, sirloin, round, foreshank and brisket and short plate & flank) it's all laid out for me on page 210. Thanks, Floyd!

2. Leith's Vegetarian Bible
This was another thoughtful gift, this time from Eric and Kusi. It's a beautiful, heavy book (over 550 pages) of really nice recipes that are easy to prepare, but make you look like a really good cook. I love that the chapters are by food groups (see "The Onion Family" and "Stalks and Shoots") so that when you have a certain vegetable on hand, you can peruse that chapter for ideas on how to use it (this comes in really handy when you go crazy and buy a bunch of kohlrabi and then realize you don't know what to do with it). It also has a section with recipes using Quorn, a favourite invention of mine. One of my favourite recipes: Haricot Bean Cobbler.

1. Enchanted Broccoli Forest
An oldie, but goody. This is the original vegetarian cookbook, and no vegetarian's kitchen is complete without it. It was also a staple back in my college days at the co-op. In fact, the first night that Becky and I were on cooking duty (the 12 of us ate together 4 nights a week) we prepared the Lentil Walnut Burgers with disastrous consequences. But luckily my cooking skills have improved since then, and I love the food in this book, and the cute little drawings that go alongside the recipes. I've never actually made the Enchanted Broccoli Forest (this is an actual recipe from the book, involving a bed of rice and broccoli standing up to look like trees), but I suspect I will someday soon, because a dish like that just deserves to be made.

Buckets of Fresh Air Make Kids Sleep Longer

2008-03-18T08:51:00.006Z

Fed up with the bus fumes, traffic noise and the concrete that we love so much, we decided to escape our city for a few hours on Sunday. Our usual scramble to get out of the house was followed by a relaxing 25 minute train journey to Malahide. As we stepped off the train, the fresh air went to work on us. Hair was blowing, scarves were flapping, and our cheeks quickly turned a healthy pink. We walked, had coffee and then headed to the beach. We could taste the salt as the gale force winds assaulted our faces, but it felt so good. And the sun shone for the first time in a week.

The kids loved having all the space to run around in. And luckily they wore their wellies and we brought a change of clothes, because after all their jumping in the water, they were soaked.

We returned home tired, our hair tangled and knotted and completely refreshed. "Why don't we do this every weekend? The beach is so close! And we only spent 6 euro today!" I know life gets in the way of these things, but we're recommitted to taking excursions like this one.

Next week we're going to Wicklow for two nights. We'll walk in the woods, see the lakes in Glendalough, visit my favourite pagen well and hopefully visit a farm on the way home so the kids can actually see a chicken. And for the first time in 14 weeks I'm looking forward to something. That wind and sea air moved something inside me, and I am better for it.

Plus, the kids slept uninterrupted from 8 pm until 7:30 am. Bliss.

Reason Enough

2008-03-13T21:01:00.004Z

I was rooting through old photographs and found this one of me and my dear friend Becky. It was taken in June 2006 during our holiday in west Cork.

If you need a reason to come to Ireland, this view should be enough.

Letting Go

2008-02-27T10:55:00.003Z

I'm returning to work tomorrow. I'm letting go of this bubble I've lived in for the past 10 weeks, where my main occupation was grieving. I'm letting go of a life disrupted, of the innocent person I was the last time I walked out of school, headed to that ultrasound appointment that changed my life forever. I'm letting go of that moment, and as sad and desperate as that moment feels, it's hard to leave it in the past. But it's a relief to do that, too.

We had Peter's welcoming celebration on Sunday, and it was even more beautiful than we'd expected. Daithi and I, as his god parents, read pieces we'd written for Peter. Some of Dee's family read poems and Eric and Dee's brother played music. Kusi shared a beautiful poem by Sheelagh Pugh that seemed to capture so much of the feeling that day. Everyone there felt touched by the poem, but I found special meaning in it. It also made me think of my two good friends who found out in the past week that they're expecting babies. Both of these women have lost babies before, and they know the fear and courage it takes to try again. I'm not at that point yet, but the hope that I see in them, and in this poem, helps me believe I will be, sometime.

Sometimes

Sometimes things don’t go, after all,
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don’t fail.
Sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.

A people sometimes will step back from war,
elect an honest man, decide they care
enough, that they can’t leave some stranger poor.
Some men become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best intentions do not go
amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen; may it happen for you.

A Club I Didn't Want to Belong To

2008-02-22T08:08:00.003Z

Daithi and I met with the bereavement counselor again yesterday in the hospital. It was hard for me to go back into that building the first time after Fionn was born, but it's not so bad now.

Afterwards, we were coming down on the lift and there was a woman in a wheelchair in the hallway. I knew the look on her face; she was covering her eyes with her hand, she wasn't talking, she stared at a smudge on the floor, tired, frozen. She said nothing, but I knew. She was a mother whose baby had died. Like me.

Happy Birthday, Paddy

2008-02-19T07:35:00.000Z

Happy 2nd Birthday to my sweet, gentle boy, Pádraic. I hope you enjoyed your party!

You've brought so much love and laughter into the world since the day you were born 2 years ago. You're a joy to be around, and watching you grow from a baby into a bright little boy is a privilege.

Your birth in the early hours of Februay 19th 2006 was an inspiration to us all. And that was just the beginning of what you bring to the world.

Dee wrote this beautiful poem about your birth.

A union, a spark--the beginning--who is this little
being who grows inside a belly swollen with love.

Before we met we sensed your compassion and
your healing, you wanted to be close even then,
turning towards the heat--"it's ok, Mammy, don't worry..."
And then in time a healing, a realization-"it's ok, baby, don't worry, it's safe
and I'm ready.

You decided to come early on a night when the air
was crystal and sparking with mystery...so gently,
so so beautiful you entered and your Mammy
standing powerful and deep and gorgeous.

There you were--new, pure, full, calm, wise--it
was all so right and so glorious--you brought
light and restored my "faith in birth." My heart
will always sing with the memory of that night,
thank you little man Pádraic, on your special day.

Fionn's Grave

2008-02-14T17:07:00.005Z

Dee read a poem at the grave, which I'll include here when I get a copy of it.

It was good to visit the grave again, and to have the people close to us there.

Lost in Translation

2008-02-01T08:14:00.001Z

Part One

Siofra (ten minutes before dinner): Can I have a sandwich?

Me (slaving over hot stove with Paddy hanging off my leg): Well, dinner's in ten minutes...and just think, your food'll taste better if you're a little hungry! Remember the Irish saying, "Hunger is good sauce!" (I quote that seanfhocal a lot, it's my favorite, because it's true.)

Siofra: Oooooo!! (all excited)...what's foodle?

Part Two

Those of you living in Ireland, or familiar with Irish-isms, know that a common greeting is "What's the craic?" Craic is the Irish word for fun, but this saying kind of means, What's up?

Of course, my daughter has her own Dublin/Cork/Flint version of the phrase...

Siofra: "Hi, Mommy. How's your crack?"

What I Dreamed Last Night

2008-01-30T10:44:00.000Z

I was working in an office, and I was trying to get a wireless signal on my cell phone by holding up a little bit of stripped wire (ok, technology has never been my strong point). Anyhow, it wasn't working. Then I dropped my phone under a conference table and was trying to crawl on the floor to get it, despite there being 10 people sitting around the table having a meeting.

Suddenly, a co-worker, played by Phillip Seymore Hoffman, came up to me and said, "What's your name again? Right, Bridget, I have to tell you that you may not have realized it but I am your superior and your work really isn't up to scratch."

I called him an asshole, and said to another woman in the room, "He's not my boss, is he?"

Possible Dream Analysis: Technology is prayer?? Phillip Seymore Hoffman is God???

How I Am Today

2008-01-24T11:23:00.000Z

I had an interesting conversation with my good friend Dee yesterday that has got me thinking. She was talking about a TV programme she watched recently about intensive chicken farming, and how she was seriously thinking about changing to a vegetarian diet. I caught about 5 minutes of the show, too--Jamie Oliver's Foul Dinners programme on Channel 4. But, to be honest, I was so disgusted by what I saw that I:

a) thanked God I haven't eaten chicken in 11 years, and

b) turned the channel.

I didn't have the stomach to watch the conditions these chickens were being raised in, and brutality shown to them in the name of profit.

Now, I have to be honest, I didn't become vegetarian because I had strong feelings about animal cruelty. And until recently Jamie Oliver annoyed the shit out of me (his School Dinners programme changed my mind). I took vegetarianism on when I was 23 as a kind of challenge to my lifestyle, my own personal discipline and to my thinking. And it was one of the best decisions I've made over the years. It lead me down a path of questioning other things that, like eating meat, are the status quo in our culture. Things like what medicines I take, choosing to breastfeed, trying to eat organic, Irish produced food, and avoiding buying a car (which is a decision that I have to admit I sometimes curse when it's raining and I'm pushing two kids around in a stroller uphill...but most of the time I'm glad we don't have a car).

But in questioning my diet I've also come to reflect on what we get from food, nutritionally and spiritually (and I use this word in relation to our general feeling of well being, and contentment, not in a religious way. Don't worry, I haven't abandoned my Atheist ideals). I've come to believe that the journey of our food to our homes, and into our bodies has a definite impact on the nourishment we get from it. I know for a fact that when I take my time in preparing food, when I've planned the meal thoughtfully and purposefully, when I cut up the vegetables carefully, it tastes better and it is more enjoyable. And I also believe it gives us more nourishment, too.

To see those chickens being treated with such a lack of respect only confirmed that I made the right decision 11 years ago when I stopped participating as a consumer in meat production. And it affirms that I'm doing the right thing for Siofra and Paddy in giving them a vegetarian childhood. Naturally, it will be their own choice when they grow up if they want to continue as vegetarians, but while I'm making these decisions for them, I know this is what's best.

I certainly respect everyone's right to choose what foods they eat, and I have no problem with others eating meat, but my hope is that more people can start eating deliberately, with thought and reflection. So, if you're heading out to buy some chicken (or beef, or pork, etc.) why not try to go organic? I know it's more expensive, but you deserve it. Or go buy some organic lentils and vegetables instead, and use the leftover money to get some nice wine!

How I Am Today? What's with that title? Well, I just wrote an entire post and didn't mention grief or sadness (except for those poor chickens). I am able to think of other things, for short periods of time. I met with my good friend Caroline on Monday and she paid me the most glorious compliment: she told me that there was a sparkle back in my eyes. That made me feel good.

Note: True, I write these posts for myself, really. But if you're reading this, would you mind leaving a comment? Go on, feed my ego. -B

Go With It

2008-01-10T09:59:00.000Z

I've thought about writing something here a million times over the past couple of weeks. I never did. Grieving is tiring. It takes a huge amount of energy. Crying is tiring, too. I've cried everyday for 23 days in a row. That is work. And right now, I guess it's my full time job. I've taken 6 weeks off school, which feels like a long time one minute, and no time at all the next.

I've been thinking a lot about time lately, and how to manage it. The first week of 2008 was the hardest yet. Christmas kept us moving, thinking, and the minutes and hours passed at a normal rate. But then it was over, and New Year's was over, and my birthday was over, and there was a whole year of hours and minutes ahead of me. Without the distractions of the holidays I was left with a huge hole in my life, and in my heart. Time slowed down and I was stuck in the saddest moment ever. I wondered how long I'd feel like this. How many more days will I be crying? How many hours can I go without having to sit down and give in to feeling hopeless? How will I feel at Fionn's grave? How will I feel hearing the results of the postmortem? How will I feel when we think of trying for another baby? How can I ever face another 40 weeks of worry and anxiety? How will I carry this sadness inside my body for the rest of my life? Have I lost hope in things working out?

One of the midwives that attended Fionn's service said something to me that came into my head a couple of days ago. I asked her what to expect, physically and emotionally. She explained the physical bit, and when it came to grieving she said, "Go with it." At the time this didn't mean anything to me. I filed it away because I respect this woman, and figured she knew something more than I did about this. But yesterday I retrieved this from my memory, and I think I know what she meant.

I'm trying to stop thinking about tonight, tomorrow, next week, next year. I'll face then when it comes. "Right now" is all I can do. If I feel horrible right now, that's that. If I feel ok, that's better and I'll enjoy it. The unpredictability of how I feel moment to moment has forced me to be in the moment, to dive into it, feel whatever is there, and leave tomorrow for later.

This doesn't come naturally to me. I am a planner. I plan my life, my kids' lives, my students' lives in the classroom. I plan our meals and make a list that shows what's for dinner tonight and what ingredients I need to make it. I buy airplane tickets 8 months in advance because then we know when we're going and we can plan around it. So this Go With It routine is new to me. It's my new job.

However, there have been a few other times in my life when I've been able to Go With It. During labor I was able to go through each contraction one at a time. I didn't think about the next one or how many more I'd have to get through. Time became abstract and irrelevant; I was unaware of how many minutes or hours had passed. All of my energy was put into the moment.

It's time for me to Go With It again. And funny enough, it's my experience of giving birth that is guiding me through this. I've realized that just as giving birth is an act of love, so is grieving. Each pain filled moment expresses love and devotion.

We all know the product of labor is a baby.

What's the product of grieving? Hope, I hope.

Somehow, life goes on

2007-12-24T17:27:00.000Z

Today was better than yesterday; I've only cried twice. We went into town. I took Paddy with me to do some last minute shopping, and Síofra went with Daithí. Our good friend Richie's mom came over with presents for the kids, and a beautiful ornament in memory of Fionn. I'd looked for one yesterday but couldn't find anything I liked, and then I got overwhelmed in the shop and needed to go home. I'm glad we have it on the tree today, before Christmas.

Síofra and I made Santa's oatmeal cookies today. They turned out great.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas tomorrow. We've passed the Winter Solstice now, so brighter days are ahead. That is certain.

Fionn

2007-12-21T16:22:00.000Z

Just to let everyone know that our little boy Fionn Matthew was born yesterday December 20th at 5:03 p.m. He weighed 300 grams, which is about 10 1/2 oz. He looked perfect in every way, just so small and fragile. We were able to hold him and spend a couple of hours with him, which was terribly sad, of course, but also helpful. His birth went smoothly, and I did not take any pain relief, which I am thankful for now because I think I needed to feel every moment and everything. I was able to go home last night at 8 p.m. We are having a short service for him tomorrow at the hospital chapel, and then the hospital will bury him in the next week in the baby's plot at Glasnevin Cemetary. We will be able to have his name engraved on a plaque at the cemetary.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words, emails, texts, and phone calls. It is very hard to be so far from you all. But I will need lots of love and care in the future to try and heal from this. Right now I just miss Fionn, but having Siofra and Paddy is so helpful. I didn't think I could love them anymore than I did, but having gone through this loss, I do. Daithi and I do believe that we can be better people, more compassionate and with more empathy, having experienced this.

Thanks again.

Love,
Bridget and Daithi

Welcome, Peter.

2007-12-15T09:36:00.000Z

I had my first experience as a doula early this morning...

D gave birth to a healthy baby boy, Peter, at 4:10 a.m. They are both doing perfectly. The birth went very quickly and smoothly; so quickly that the midwife was still in a taxi on the way to their house when the baby was born.

R and I caught the baby.

What a day! I think it's only hitting me now.

More later.

10 Years

2007-12-10T17:21:00.000Z

Daithi and I had anniversary night away, although our actual anniversary is Wednesday. At noon on Saturday we packed up and left Siofra and Paddy eating their lunch with Daithi's sister. We and our overnight bag travelled two stations on the train into town to the hotel.

Naturally, it then began to rain, but even Irish weather couldn't take the smiles off our faces. (Sorry about cutting off the top of your face, Daithi.) We checked in, had a cup of coffee, and then headed out for lunch. I had a butternut squash-filo pastry pie, with carrot salad and sprouting bean salad. Delicious, as always. Then we did some Christmas shopping for the kids...sounds mundane, but it was a pleasure to shop without having to push a stroller through the shops! Then we headed back to the hotel, where Daithi had a nap and I took a half hour shower with unending hot water. Strangely, there was a full sized mirror IN the shower, which is a reality check like no other. Yes, I DO look pregnant after all. Then we got all dressed up and headed to the restaurant.
Daithi had made reservations at a secret retaurant, and didn't tell me where we were going until we were there. I was a bit uneasy (I guess I have control issues) but it turned out wonderfully. The food, especially the vegetarian mezza, was delicious. Honestly, deep-fried feta cheese, could you think of anything nicer???

And the belly dancing was...entertaining. The next morning we avoided the overpriced hotel breakfast (24 euros for one breakfast!) and went into Temple Bar for a more reasonably priced breakfast. Then we headed back home at noon, and reality recommenced.

Getting away was great...it was the first time I'd spent a night apart from the kids since Siofra was born. And I didn't even worry. And the kids had a great time with Ann...and Paddy went to sleep on his own, no crying, and slept the whole night. What the £@*&%?

And most importantly, I didn't miss that very important business call because I could take it from the comfort of the hotel bathroom...

Miscellaneous this and that 'n junk

2007-11-29T19:55:00.000Z

I forgot to give a special shout out and thanks to Kusi and Eric, who prepared the most delicious Thanksgiving feast (minus the roast beast) for us last weekend. I do realise it was a sacrifice for Eric, especially, to go turkey-less this year, but, really, how can you complain when the menu is this nice.

One week to go until our big 10th anniversary night away...to a fancy hotel 10 minutes up the road! What can I say, Dublin's a great city, why waste time travelling when we can make the most of our 24 HOURS OF FREEDOM, and I'm on call for Doula Duty as Dee reached her full-term 37 weeks today. But for crying out out, Dee, please don't have that baby next Saturday night. Please. I'm so looking forward to my and Daithi's day together: lunch at the best vegetarian restaurant in town (and better yet, for FREE, as we know the owner's husband), a movie in the afternoon, set up camp at the hotel, dinner out at a surprise venue (organised by Daithi) and then...hour upon hour of uninterrupted sleep. Now that's romance.

I am feeling well, still tired, but what's new. Work is stressful, but as the pregnancy become more real I can see myself letting go of that work stuff and concentrating on the really important things. The baby moves regularly, but that doesn't stop me from freaking out when I think I haven't felt it for a while. I attribute this paranoia to the two pregnancy losses I've suffered previously; the memory of that resides deep in me and I've yet to figure out how to release it, or if I'll ever be able to. One thing's for sure, having two healthy children has not erased it, like some think it should. Maybe more on this subject later, if I can manage it.

But more importantly, here's what 17+ weeks looks like the third time around, when any bit of muscle tone is a long faded memory...

The Old Plastic Doughnut on the Floor Trick

2007-11-27T17:18:00.000Z

Yesterday evening Siofra came to me and said, "Look, I did a poop on the floor in my room!"

Now, I was skeptical, because she was very calm and cool, and aside from pooping in my shoe once when she was 3 months old, she's never done anything like this. But I decided I'd better check it out. And this is what I saw:

Right, so that DOES look a bit alarming. I went in for a closer inspection...

Relief! Yes, that is a plastic doughnut (or loaf of challah?!) from her toy food collection.

It was her first practical joke. And I'm proud.

It wasn't just gas...

2007-11-18T13:05:00.000Z

Daithi has the kids out grocery shopping while I do my school planning for next week...so this'll be short:

I finally felt the baby moving yesterday, just as I was ready to call the midwives and beg them to let me come in for a quick check with the Doppler. Relief. I've felt it a few times since then, so I'm sure that it's really the baby and not weird stomach grumbles. In the baby/fruit size spectrum this little guy/gal is an avocado this week. Mmm...guacamole sounds nice right now. This pregnancy is finally beginning to seem real, and Daithi and I even had a discussion on names last night. As always, any decision we make will be top secret until the baby has arrived! (so don't ask!) But don't worry, it'll be something you'll have trouble pronouncing.

Also, check out my neato baby countdown feature at the end of this page! 169 days to go?!?! Sounds like forever...

Food for thought

2007-11-15T18:08:00.000Z

Siofra: Let's pretend...we're not vegetarian. Ok?

Me: Ok. We're not vegetarian.

Siofra: Ok, then, (putting a toy zebra and horse on her teaset tray)
Would you like some animals for dinner?

Short n Sweet, just so you know that I'm alive

2007-11-05T21:12:00.000Z

Right, I've been doing stupid school work now for an hour so I'm not sitting here for much longer...but just to let ya know that I'm alive and well, despite 3 out of the 4 of us having a vomiting flu last week. Luckily, Paddy escaped. I was knocked out for 3 days, thanks to that pregnancy immune system that makes sickness last longer and be worse. But we've recovered and the 6 loads of laundry we had to do in one day is only a memory now...

My recovery was rewarded on Saturday morning when I went for brunch with my good friends Dee and Kusi to this place. I can honestly say it was the first food I've enjoyed in 2 months. Morning sickness (really afternoon and evening sickness) has subsided and I made the most of it with Eggs Florentine with a side of spicy homefries. So, so delicious. It was also a treat to mark the final weeks of Dee's pregnancy, which was the purpose of the lunch. We showered her with (small) gifts and enjoyed eating without kids hanging off us.

No other news...wishing Flint the best in it's mayoral election tomorrow. Go Walling!

Outnumbered

2007-10-20T08:07:00.000+01:00

Forgive me, readers, it's been 14 days since my last post.

But now that the nausea of the past couple of months has past, and I can finally stay awake later than 8:30 pm, and I'm a little less worried about something going awry, I can happily tell you all that the adults in our household will be outnumbered by children by May 5th, 2008.

Yep, we're blasting our way through early childhood: Siofra will be 4 and Paddy will be 27 months when this new addition arrives. But I'm happy about that. Seeing Siofra and Paddy's friendship develop has convinced me that having kids close in age is the way for us to go! I was reassured by Sarah's post last week...and I would also encourage anyone thinking about having a second baby relatively close in age to the first to do it. Sharing a childhood with your brothers and sisters is a great gift.

So, there's the news...it's still weird to be saying it out loud, especially since it's still kind of abstract: there's no belly to show yet (except for the one that two babies have left me with) and no flutters to feel. It's that weird time when you stop being really sick but still don't feel pregnant. I guess the next few weeks will change that, though!

So, at least this will give me something to blog about! Expect a lot of writing about midwives, sciatica, heartburn, doula support, and the mix of excitement and freaking out.

6 months to go!

World Vegetarian Day

2007-10-06T17:37:00.000+01:00

Celebrate World Vegetarian Day!! If you're a vegetarian already, enjoy this day as a marking of your commitment to a vegetarian lifestyle. Certainly making the choice to not eat meat is the beginning of becoming more and more aware of how our personal decisions affect our bodies and the world. So fair play to ya!
If you're a meat eater, I would challenge you to go without meat for today, or for this weekend, or even for the coming week. You may be surprised how easy it is to enjoy your food and eat healthily and creatively by basing your diet on vegetables, fruits and grains. If you're curious about the benefits of vegetarianism, or the many different reasons that people become vegetarian, check this out.

So, let's talk about kale. It's kale season here in Ireland and as Halloween approaches it's time to get cookin' with the kale. Tonight the kids are having colcannon! Try it!

The Paddy Post

2007-10-03T13:18:00.000+01:00

Poor Paddy is sick today--I got a call from the creche at 9:30 this morning saying that he had a temperature of 102, so I left work and collected him. Now we're home and after an 1 1/2 hour sleep he's feeling much better and the temperature is down. Siofra stayed at school to "do her work" (they were making scones). So it's been Paddy and me this morning...got me thinking about all the great things about him:

1. Some of the words he says: Mama, Dada, shoes, "other one" (this is used when putting on socks or shoes), car, 'copter (as in helicopter), digger, truck, bum, thumb, eye, Buh-ba (which means I wanna bit of breastfeeding, please, Mother), ball, baby, banana, gone, done, more, Ruff-ruff (dog), Quack Quack (duck), Meow (you guessed it, cat), thank you (kind of, I know by his tone more than the sound of the words), sorry, and my favourite, "Love".

2. He loves to go swimming in the bathtub.

3. He copies everything Siofra does. Everything.

4. He relaxes by putting his hand on my stomach, skin to skin. A very tactile boy...

5. He loves to make Siofra laugh, and achieves this by throwing food on the floor, shouting at the dinner table and falling down dramatically.

6. His new thing is reading books.

7. He can sing Twinkle Twinkle and Baa Baa Blacksheep. You may notice that these are basically the same song, but I'm counting it as two. He can also do the barks from "Who let the dogs out?"

8. The hair just keeps getting better.

9. That gap in the teeth...

Sui Generes

2007-09-18T17:07:00.000+01:00

Being tired, overworked and generally out of touch with reality is NOT a good enough excuse for my missing this lady's birthday last weekend.

So, I humbly offer her this:

10 Reasons Sarah D Deserves a Fabulous 33rd Birthday:

1. She's been my friend for 19 years (that's more than 1/2 our lives)
2. She can do The Worm like no other. But she's selective about her performances.
3. She single handedly challenged the Catholic Church at age 12 and refused to be confirmed. Love that!
4. She married this cool dude. (also making a name for himself in the dance world.)

5. Back in 1988, I gave her a peach scented drawer sachet for Christmas. I'm sorry. There's so much lame about that present.
6. The first words I heard from her mouth were: "Silver and Gold!" (OK, so I wasn't actually in the Powers locker room when she sang it, but that won't stop me from reliving that moment.)
7. She's a hard workin' mama with a super cool kid.
8. She's the best damn ship photographer I've ever met.
9. She's all Laura Ashley on the outside, Punk Rock on the inside.
10. She so something er nuthin'...er suh!!!!! (the MOST in-joke you can get, but it's gotta be in the list.)

Happy Birthday, S.A.D.!!

Sweet Dreams

2007-09-11T20:38:00.000+01:00

I just caught the tail-end of Daithí's bedtime story to Síofra via the baby monitor...

...and the beautiful fairy, Síofra, set off on her great adventure with her friend the Golden Eagle.

And the two of them soared through the air to the magical land of Atlantis...

...where they were welcomed by the mystical Queen Latifah.

Donegal, Mork and Mindy, Back to School

2007-09-01T07:02:00.000+01:00

It's 7:04 a.m. and I've been up for a half hour already...and it's Saturday. Good lord.

It's been a very busy and exciting couple of weeks; my apologies to my fan base (um...that's you, Sarah D) for the lack of posts. Here's the short version:

1. Our week in Donegal was great. I'm always amazed at what a beautiful place it is. My Gaeilge course was useful and even fun. There was a nice group of us in the class and it was a laid back environment. Daithi was great with the kids all day; thankfully for them there is a public playground in Glencolmcille, so many an hour was spent there. Paddy's week was full of accidents, testimony to his growing independence and stereotypical boyish activities (I was never on the "nature" side of the nurture vs. nature argument, but since having a boy and a girl, I'm a bit converted). First, he and his stroller fell into a ditch while they were picking wild blackberries and he bruised his forehead; next he ran down the stony driveway and fell, scraping and bruising the head again; then he was hit by a little wave at the beach and fell in the water, soaking him and putting an end to our plans to eat in a restaurant that night; next, he and another boy had a scuffle in the park that resulted in then falling to the ground while Paddy's finger was in the other boy's teeth...and ripping the skin off the top of it. It was like a finger circumcision. Very gross, but Daithi handled calmly and cooly. Finally, he fell off the step at our friends' Micheal and Sinead's house and bruised that forehead AGAIN. Poor guy. He was a real city boy battling the elements of the countryside.
But the highlight of Donegal were the afternoons on the beach. One day, when we got to the bottom of the steps down to the beach Siofra screamed, "I LOVE THE BEACH" and then squealed. That made all the sand in the Paddy's diaper and in Siofra's socks worth it.
The owners of the house we rented had a beautiful dog, Shep, that the kids adored. Why is Siofra carrying a rolling pin? We're not sure, but I can assure you that she didn't beat Shep with it.

2. Then we had three great days with our friends Marcus and Mitzi...a.k.a. Mork and Mindy. It was great to see then again after 2 years!! Now they're in Italy enjoying the sun and pasta...lucky them!

3. And, sadly, my days as a SAHM finished on Thursday when I returned to work. It went well, apart from some unfortunate disorganization at the school that resulted in my classroom not being ready, so I'm sharing a room with another teacher and her class. This isn't that bad, but there are a lot of kids so it's a bit tricky to get them focused. Hopefully it'll be sorted by then end of September. And then 4 of us will have to move classrooms...uhgg.

Well, I'd better feed these kids. More later on how school is going...I do miss the kids but actually I'm so busy at school there's not much time to dwell on it. And I am able to pick them up at 3:30, so it's not that bad, really.

How many days until midterm break? 60.

Evil Creatures

2007-08-16T18:23:00.000+01:00

I have given birth twice with no pain relief...and the sting I got on my ankle today from one of these guys was more painful than that. Four hours later and it still hurts. I think I want an epidural now.

Changes

2007-08-15T20:59:00.000+01:00

This has been a week of great change in our house: Síofra and Paddy have started at their new creche (daycare, Americanos). We started on Monday for 2 hours, and today they stayed for 3 hours and even had their lunch there.

The Good News: Síofra has given us no surprises and totally loves it there. Part of this could be that she's the biggest girl in the place--I'm not sure if she's the oldest, but she sure is the tallest. She has outgrown all her 3 year old clothes in length, to the point where it's probably cruel to make her wear them because she looks pretty uncool with trousers too short on her. And you know she loves her fashion.

The Other Good News: Paddy, my super-attached-mama's boy-hanging off my hip toddler, DID surprise us...he loves it, too! In fact, he doesn't even cry when we leave him there, but he does cry when I take him home. This could be because he loves pushing the dolls around in this there (and ours recently got lost at the park). What can I say, he'll be a good daddy.

So this is a big relief to me as I head into the final two weeks of my extended, 18 month maternity leave. I am feeling mixed about going back to work. Most of my fear relate to manic mornings trying to get out of the house, and exhausted evenings in the house. But for the most part I am just trying to enjoy these last few weeks.

Next stop: Donegal, to brush up on my Gaeilge.

Cuppa Heaven

2007-08-08T21:00:00.000+01:00

There's a saying that many of Ireland's invaders eventually became "more Irish than the Irish themselves." After 10 years in this country, I fit into this category on many levels, including my love of a cup of tea. The peace and quiet that descends when both children are asleep can only be celebrated properly with a nice cuppa. The ritual of the preparation fuels my addiction. The anticipation as the kettle begins to groan, the long wait while the tea steeps; these only add to the experience. Try it.

1. Boil the kettle.

2. Scald the pot with a bit of boiling water.

3. Empty out that scalding water.

4. Drop in 2 teabags. (Seriously, click and then go to "Our Ads" and click on TV Commericals. My favorite is "Well Deserved.")

5. Fill the teapot with boiling water.*

6. Let it steep. Don't skimp on this; wait at least 7 minutes.

7. Add your drop of milk. Not too much, not too little.

8. Now, fill your cup with tea.

9. Now you're ready. Fix yourself up with a banana muffin, a book and a comfortable couch, making sure that your end table with the teapot on it is nearby so you don't have to get up to get a hot sup.

This, my friends, is heaven.

*The author notes that, yes, it is difficult to pour boiling water into a teapot and take a photograph at the same time. Exercise caution if you try this at home.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten where I come from. How could I with this mug to remind me?

Pump up the Volume

2007-08-07T21:14:00.001+01:00

Síofra's race to become more and more independent took a great leap forward today at the park. At long last, after many lessons, she has finally learned to pump her legs on the swings. Hallelujah! Whilst I was enjoying the benefits that the 45 minute swing pushing workouts were having on my biceps, now I'll enjoy being able moniter Paddy on the climbing frame more closely, and avoiding that last minute, heart stopping grab I've had to make at him as he leaps for the monkey bars and swings his little 18 month old body 3 feet above ground. Or maybe I'll be able to take a sip of my latte before it goes completely cold. Or have a conversation that lasts longer than 2 sentences with another park mama. The changes this will bring to life are many.

In other news...we had a great visit from Tony, Daithi's brother, and a nice day spent in Cork with all the Doolans. We even sat next to a celebrity on the train on our way back to Dublin. Apparently a hot shot in Sudan...he was pretty quiet, but maybe that's just being cool. And he didn't seem to notice Síofra singing "Mama Africa" at full throttle.

Umm...news regarding Paddy; not much, just that the hair keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. He attracts so much attention for the hair, especially from Grandpa types at the park. They like to call him "Curly Wurly," "Curly Top" and "Bubbles."

London's (not) Burning but...

2007-07-31T21:35:00.000+01:00

...I did manage to get a sunburn in London this weekend--such a welcome break from all the rain! It was a great weekend with Carmel and family...

Pádraic and Pat in KenwoodChecking out the Pakistani festival in Trafalgar Square Good times on the tube...Lunch in Camden town Afternoon in St. James' Park All that fun would tire you out!

New Math

2007-07-23T20:48:00.000+01:00

38. The number of days until I return to work.

575. The number of days I've been off work.

18. The number of months Paddy and Síofra have had me all to themselves.

13. The number of months until Síofra starts big school.

1600. The number of euros our childcare will cost per month for the next year.

20. The number of 3rd class students I'll be teaching next year.

3. The number of days in the past two weeks we've been housebound all day because of rain.

Add all these up and you get one freaked out mama.

Just us girls

2007-07-16T20:52:00.000+01:00

Síofra and I a treat on Saturday afternoon when we accompanied her Little Friend and Little Friend's Mother to the production of Riverdance at the Gaiety Theatre. We actually met this little friend and her mom (and younger sister) through a breastfeeding group I went to when Paddy was little, and the two girls really hit it off. It has been great this summer to meet at the park and actually be able to have a conversation (and a latte) while they played and our two little ones climbed around. They just live up the street from us in another apartment building, so it's really convenient to get together.

Little Friend's mother works in theatre, and had worked for Riverdance for 8 years, so we got complimentary tickets for the best seats in the house! It was superb, and the Gaiety is an incredibly beautiful place. Síofra was transfixed by the enormous chandalier the moment we took our seats. She and Little Friend put on their own dance during intermission, to the amusement of all around us. And I enjoyed it, too--I mean, that dancing is amazing and does defy the normal idea of what feet can do. Another bonus was the inclusion of a flamenco dancer, two African-American tap dancers and a troupe of Russian dancers!

But the highlight of the day was when the lights first dimmed and the uillean piper started to play, and Síofra grabbed my arm and turned to me with her eyes as wide as possible and smiling from ear to ear, bursting with excitement. It was a day I think she'll remember, and I will, too!

Youghal come back now!

2007-07-09T19:40:00.000+01:00

We had a great weekend in Cork, and even managed to make a trip down to Youghal with Daithi's sister Ann for a frolic on the beach and a picnic, Irish style...

Something to say...
ExploringSea monsterDigging, digging.
A quick snap before the grey clouds start to roll in...
And then a dash back to the car for cover. Check out the sand in Paddy's neck...nice.

I took lots of photos; to see more look here!

Working Rehearsal/Big Night Out

2007-07-03T20:54:00.000+01:00

Sunday Night...

Babysitter arrives on time, and we depart the house with Paddy in floods of tears at 8:00, but even his screams don't make us turn back.

Hop in the taxi, ten minutes later arrive at the Olympia Theatre.

The opening act, this guy, is surprisingly good. "Surprisingly" because my first impression of him was that he looks like somebody I might want to punch in the mouth...but I let go of that cynical me and reaction, and enjoyed it, especially Serotonin.

Two cups of beer later and the crowd cheers and surges as they take to the stage. They played for about 2 hours, and it was a very different experience from what you'd expect. Kind of like we'd stumbled into a private practice that we weren't really supposed to be at. Maybe it was Michael Stipe having to read the lyrics off his laptop (I was liking the IMPEACH sticker on it) or how they false started 3 or 4 of the songs and had to start again to get it right. But that was what it was supposed to be about. A few old songs were thrown in to keep the crowd happy, but overall I wasn't thrown back to 1986...it was all new, and I liked it.

Confused? Look here and you'll get it. It's good to live in Dublin.

Growing Up

2007-06-26T20:49:00.001+01:00

It's been a busy week...I had my doula training on Friday and Saturday and it was great. It really deserves its own post but I'm still processing it all, so you'll have to wait.

Siofra graduated from playschool, and also played the Pig in the Little Red Hen on Friday. She loved her diploma, but probably loved the pink face paint more.

Paddy can say about 10 words now, including "Ra-Ra" for Siofra and he has fully moved into her bedroom now, at least for most of the night.

The Graduate...
Siofra as a fairy/witch/Heidi girl and Paddy as a chef/baseball player...
When children attack...

My brother Dan has gone vegetarian and I'm so happy for him!

2007-06-19T18:47:00.000+01:00

I made this for dinner tonight and it was dee-licious!! You should totally make it for dinner tonight, Dan.

Chickpea and Spinach Stew

what you need:
1/2 onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic
1/2 green pepper, diced
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 1/2 tsp curry powder
10 oz frozen spinach, thawed and chopped
one can of chickpeas
one can of chopped tomatoes
salt

what to do:
1. Heat the oil in a large pot on medium heat and add the onion and pepper. Cook until softened, about 3 minutes.
2. Add the chickpeas, the curry powder and about a 1/4 cup water. Stir, cover and reduce heat. Cook for about 5 minutes.
3. Add the tomatoes, spinach and a bit of salt. Cover and cook for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Check for seasoning, add salt if needed.

We had this over brown rice. This recipe made enough for two adults and two kids with a lunch-sized portion leftover.

Honest to goodness, that's it. It's quick, very easy and is so good. Our kids loved it, too. Get cooking, Dan!

Motorcycles, Oh my Lord, Doves

2007-06-14T21:06:00.000+01:00

My excuses for not updating this blog include:
disappointing election results, transatlantic flights, chicken pox times two, an embarrassing run in with some poisonous margaritas and some killer jet lag in my children.

But let's keep it positive and talk about:
The two hilarious nights spent with my two oldest friends, when we drove aimlessly around Kalamazoo listening to the tape of us talking we made back in 1992. Yes, it somehow survived in Sarah's brother's basement despite the disclaimer written on the cover--"DESTROY THIS TAPE AFTER LISTENING TO IT." Thankfully, no one did, and there's now proof of how lame, hilarious and completely Michiganian we were. Actually, after 2 bottles of wine and 2 more margaritas, I think the lameness and hilarity came back--unfortunately some of it was left in the alley and on Sarah's bathroom floor. A cruel reminder that we're not in our 20's anymore...

My niece's amazing wedding, a whole day of fun and frolic, good food, vodka and grapefruit juice, run ins with the cops (sorry, Dr. Bri!), painfully cool high heels and Siofra and Paddy dancing their hearts out on the dancefloor. Daithi has exclaimed that it was the best wedding he's ever attended. Well done, Bri and family-what a day to remember.

Running into the ever-so-talented (does that sound too sarcastic, am I being mean?) Nelson twins at the bar in Flushing, and then AGAIN on our flight from Flint to Chicago. I mean, really, what are the chances of that? I just can't live without their love and affection.

Siofra and Paddy playing outside all day, and constantly having dirty feet from all the fun. Dirty feet are always a sign of a good time.

Daithi and I having a peaceful dinner out at the lovely Sorento's while my parents babysat. What a treat.

From cool Dublin rain to warm Michigan nights and back again, it's been a busy, fun and memorable couple of weeks. I'm still recovering from it all.

Quotes

2007-05-19T20:32:00.000+01:00

"Ice cream makes chicken pops feel better."
-Siofra, on Day 4 of the Chicken Pox Saga

"Daithi's little boy has a heap of hair."
-12 year old daughter of a man who works on the campaign, after seeing Paddy
"Let's play dress up."
-Siofra coerces Paddy into a game of dress up, she as a "lady," he as a "cowboy"

Pops

2007-05-16T08:21:00.000+01:00

Well, just when we thought we were as busy as possible with the election and preparing for our trip...

...Síofra got the chicken pox. Which means Paddy will probably have them in two weeks. The good news is that Siofra seems to feel good, she's still eating like normal but is just sleeping a bit more. At the moment they're only on her back, belly and neck. She's not itching yet but I'm going to get the calamine lotion today. She's calling them her "chicken pops" and seems to be enjoying the attention she's getting!

Any advice???

Introducing...

2007-05-11T13:39:00.000+01:00

...your general election candidate in Dublin South East!

Vote Doolan

2007-05-04T13:45:00.000+01:00

I've been meaning to try and write something for days, but this week has been insane.

Stuff that's going on with us:

1. On Sunday the general election was officially called; it will be held on May 24th. This means that Daithi has been working 14 hour days since then. 14 hour days for Daithi mean 14 hour days for me at home...luckily our friends Dee and Richie have offered their help two days a week during the Hell Hours (5pm-7pm--dinner, bath, pyjamas). Elections are exciting and intense, but also stressful. So this tight feeling in my chest has lasted all week...

2. There was relief in our household when the election date was set for May 24th, as May 31st had been mentioned as a possible date and we fly to MI on the 27th! I don't know what we would have done if the election had clashed with our travel plans, but the two options a) me traveling on my own with the kids and b) all of us staying here and missing my niece's wedding BOTH SUCKED. So despite the stress of election work, I am mostly relieved, and we're all looking forward to the trip, and to the wedding where Síofra will make her debut as a flowergirl.

3. A girl in Síofra's playschool got chickenpox, so she may make her flowergirl debut with spots. Let's hope not.

4. Dee and I are going to the Homebirth Association of Ireland's conference next weekend. I'm super excited to see and hear Ina May!!!!! I'm going to take my camera and try to get a picture with her. I hope that doesn't make me creepy or a stalker.

5. The weather has been amazing--sunny and very warm--yesterday was, like, 80 degrees! You know people here are going nuts wearing shorts and sandals...gotta make the most of it before the rain returns.

Happy Birthday, Síofra Maighréad!

2007-04-29T20:26:00.000+01:00

Síofra turned 3 today! We had a great party with over 25 people in our apartment. Despite my worrying, we had plenty of food, and the Butterfly Cake turned out great. Some of her friends from the park came along, and Auntie Ann and Grandma were up from Cork. Síofra was in her element as the party girl--she has loved parties and excitement ever since her spectacular birth.

Here are a few pics...

The Cake (very easy to do, by the way)

The blowing of the candles
(Patiently?) Waiting for cake

Questions, blog-style

2007-04-24T10:47:00.000+01:00

Oooh! Sarah "tagged" me to answer these questions...

Three things that scare me
1) illness and injury, especially for the kids
2) finding caterpillars in a broccoli-tofu stir fry (has happened to me twice)
3) Greed, mindless consumption, exploitation, supremacy, lack of conscience...ok, I could have just written George Bush but I didn't want to copy Sarah directly.

Three People who make me laugh
1) Daithi (but not always on purpose, God love him)
2) Sarah and Becky, for the past 18 years
3) Des Bishop

Three things I love
1) Saag Paneer
2) Payday (the candybar, that is, not available in Ireland)
3) Dublin City, on a Saturday night when everybody's "buzzin'!"

Three things I hate
1) vomiting viruses
2) cleaning up throw up
3) self righteous religion, and those who try to impose it

Three things I do not understand
1) commuters...is your big backyard really worth it when you only spent 6 hours at home a day?? I'm going to the park...
2) Folks who drive big smelly toxic cars a half mile to pick up their kid from playschool
3) how I ever thought I was tired before I had kids

Three things on my desk
1) A "Flint, MI...more cars than people" sticky notepad
2) takeaway menu from Jewel in the Crown (bring on the saag paneer)
3) about 30 birth announcements for Pádraic that I never got around to sending. Too late now, I guess. He is 14 months old and I think everyone knows about him now.

Three things I want to do before I die
1) go back to Paris; it was so much more fabulous than I'd even imagined
2) give birth again
3) see my kids becoming independant, happy people

Three things I can do
1) sing every song from Anything Goes, 15 years after my high school production
2) breastfeed, type an email and talk on the phone all at once
3) fit the top of a pint glass in my mouth (I had to stop doing this trick at the pub back in 2000 after I developed TMJ, but I'm sure I'd still be able to do it)

Three things I can't do
1) use left-handed scissors, even though I'm left-handed
2) pick meat off a pizza that was accidentally put on there and then eat it (there is residue), but luckily Daithi can...
3) wear a thong. It's just not comfortable, I'm sorry.

Three things I think you should listen to
1) Sigur Rós
2) Yo La Tengo; always great.
3) Eric Eckhart!

Three things you should never listen to
1) People who tell you breastfeeding is too demanding and isn't worth it...it is.
2) Skynews, unless you're good at deciphering truth
3) your inner negative voice

Three things I'd like to learn
1) patience
2) patience
3) patience in airports

Three shows I watched as a kid
1) Love Boat
2) Fantasy Island
3) The Great Space Coaster

Dancing Queen

2007-04-22T20:19:00.000+01:00

I know...I haven't written anything here in forever. What can I say-it's election time here and our free time is getting less and less frequent.

We have, however, found the time to watch Celebrity Jigs n Reels on RTE. I'm not usually a fan of these types of things, but I have to say this programme is catchy. Maybe I'm harking back to my days of "Irish Dancing" (and, yes, the quotation marks are necessary here, because what we were doing probably wasn't very Irish, and technically wasn't dancing) with Becky and Sarah back in the day when we were queens. Anyway, my dancing gene seems to have been passed on to Siofra because she loves pretending to do Irish dancing, including bowing from the waist at the end of the performance. Then she gets her pretend microphone and makes Daithi interview her. Here's an excerpt:

Daithi: And tell us, Siofra, do you like dancing?

Siofra: Uhh, yes, I like dancing, but it's very hard.

Daithi: And did you like the music?

Siofra: Yeah...I liked it, but...it was very...music-y.

Daithi: And where did you learn your dancing?

Siofra: Well, my mommy is a great dancer.

Wow, she sings, she dances, and she's smart, too. What a kid.

Dziekuje!

2007-04-10T20:44:00.000+01:00

I'd like to give a quick word of thanks, or should I say "Dziekuje", to the growing Polish population we're lucky to have in Dublin. There are now well over 100,000 Polish living and working in Ireland, and thanks to them I've discovered this treat...

Mmmmm, tasty. I can't exactly read the ingredients label, but I'm guessing from the picture on the jar that "Salatka" (seems to mean salad) is a pickled concoction of green tomatoes, red peppers, carrots and onion. Let's just say it tastes way better than it sounds. If you see it, try it.

Happy Easter

2007-04-08T20:13:00.000+01:00

The Highs and the Lows

2007-04-04T10:30:00.000+01:00

The highs: Last week began with a 5 night stretch of Paddy sleeping through the night. After 13 months of broken sleep, we were beginning to feel fully rested once again! We'd turned a corner! I didn't even tell anyone that this was happening until that fifth night. I remember one time he'd slept through back when he was about 7 or 8 months old, and the night after I told everyone about it he was up 3 times. So, determined not to jinx it this time, I held onto my excitement for a while. But he truly is growing up, and I'll enjoy a good night's sleep because of it!

The lows: It all started with rumors of this vomiting virus going around. It seems that all the babies in my breastfeeding group had gotten it, but we'd been spared. I put this down to my kids' superior immune system, and general well being-I mean, hey, Siofra is 3 years old and has only thrown up once! Obviously I have Superkids. Then I got a lesson in why you shouldn't be smug.

It started early Friday morning when Paddy wouldn't settle back to sleep after waking at 3 am. Daithi took him out to the living room to rock him, and he threw up. He seemed ok in the morning, so we dismissed it. However, he threw up at lunch...and a really bad one that night (that took me 20 minutes to clean up--not fun for a weak stomached person like me).

I was the next victim, being struck down on Saturday evening. However hard it is caring for a child who's sick, it's ten times worse when you're sick yourself. Poor me.

Sunday morning we heard a weird coughing noise from Siofra's room. Sure enough, Daithi was putting her sheets and blanket into the wash ten minutes later. That made 4 loads of laundry that day...

Somehow Daithi has avoided contamination. Probably because of his fanatical handwashing regime this week. But he did a good job of caring for us.

We all seem to be recovered, for the most part. Paddy had it the worst, poor guy. He's still not eating like he usually does. All he wants to do is breastfeed, but at least I know he's getting fluids that way.

And last night, as a gift to us, he slept from 8 pm until 6, uninterrupted. I feel like it's Christmas.

A Cup of Ambition

2007-03-29T20:04:00.000+01:00

I'm not the sort of person who owns a lot of videos (I don't really see the point because once you've watched something once, why have it hanging around cluttering the place up?). However, I do own this on DVD, because it's simply my favorite movie. And I watched it today, for the trillionth time, and it's still brilliant. And anyhow, how can you not love Dolly Parton?

Please go out and rent it tonight. The world will be a happier place if you do. But if you simply can't wait that long, check this out...

I got the question...so now ya'll can sit back and listen to my long winded answer

2007-03-27T20:44:00.000+01:00

Well, I finally got "the question" last week when I was out for dinner with people from work.

"But...you're not still breastfeeding him, right?"

The look on my face must have answered her question, but she followed it up with this smart remark:

"But only a little, right?"

Again, my face answered that one, too. But I did offer the response, "Well, is 3 or 4 times a day 'a little' ?" I guess not, but that was enough to drop the subject, despite a few bottles of wine being consumed already.

The whole thing about breastfeeding, and how long a mother breastfeeds is such a loaded conversation. Even though I feel so passionate about it and sure of my decision to breastfeed and to continue to breastfeed, I still get all worked up when I see or hear people's reluctance about it. And it's not just about folks "doing what's right for them." I really think the whole question comes back to how we see ourselves as women, and what we see as our roles at home and in the world. And it really brings into focus the whole question of us "having it all."

One thing I've learned about successful and fulfilling breastfeeding is that you have to give yourself completely over to motherhood. Not forever, but for a while. Those first few months are all about feeding your baby, and learning to understand how he or she is communicating his/her needs. Trying to do that successfully while keeping the house clean, meals cooked and guests entertained ('cause you know folks LOVE to stop by just after you've had a baby and are more in need of rest than ever before in your life) is IMPOSSIBLE. Throw in holding down a job outside of home and you're setting yourself up for serious let down (and I'm not talking about tingly milk let down!). This idea of giving yourself completely to caring for your baby seems scary (I remember thinking in those early days "Oh my god, what have I done? I will never go out for a cappuccino again??!?!! How will I ever get my haircut?!?!?!). But it doesn't last forever; in fact, that time with a tiny baby is so short and sweet we need to cherish every minute of it.

Another thing I've realized is that breastfeeding women need support, and I ain't talkin' about a good bra. We need to talk to other women breastfeeding their babies, and we need to draw on their knowledge and experience. We need to be reassured that yes, our babies ARE getting enough to eat, even though we can't see and keep an account of how many ounces they've downed. And we need to be able to vent our feelings and frustrations without being told how easy life would be if we'd "just give that baby a bottle."

Now, before you get your knickers in a twist and think that I'm calling you a bad mother because you didn't breastfeed, or you had to return to work when your baby was still young or breastfeeding didn't work out for you...chill. I don't think that. I think all mothers love their children wholly and completely. What I do want you to think about is how you respond to the next mother you see who is breastfeeding her baby, or her toddler...or her 4 year old. She's doing it because she believes in it and she knows what's best for her child. So give her a smile, or even a word of encouragement. She's doing her child a favor, and the world a favor by that act of giving.

So there...I'm sure there may be someone out there pissed off at what I've said, but fuck it (excuse me Mom, if you're reading this, but you know my language has gone to heck since I moved to Ireland). You're all welcome to comment and tell me to go to hell (all 5 of you that read this).

This is what I've learned and this is what I believe. I've graduated from feminist to activist to lactivist!

Baby Siofra takes a sip of the good stuff

Decorate the Patch

2007-03-26T10:58:00.000+01:00

Freak out!

We had to take Siofra to the doctor last week after her playschool teacher noticed that there was something wrong with her eye. While they were doing circle time, Siofra's right eye drifted off to the side, while the left one kept on looking at the teacher! She rubbed her eye and it went back after a few seconds. I was kind of freaked out, but as it turns out it's "not uncommon." Our doctor took a look at her but her eyes were fine and centered. As I've never noticed this before, and the teacher has only seen it once, he recommended that we just keep an eye on it for the next year. It may resolve itself, but if it becomes a regular occurance, she would wear a patch on her good eye to strengthen the muscles in the other one.

My niece Dr. Brie wore a patch when she was young, and she turned out good, so I'm feeling more reassured about it all. Her patches were stick on, and my sister had to decorate the patch with markers every morning so that it coordinated with her outfit. When I first contemplated Siofra wearing a patch, I actually thought, "Jesus Christ, am I going to have to be drawing flowers, polka dots or hearts on a frickin' patch every morning so Siofra feels positive about her eyes? I can hardly find time to get showered and sweep up the rice crispies off the floor, how am I going to manage an art project, too?"

But I guess you find time to do this stuff when you love your kids, huh?

Recipe Time

2007-03-20T20:31:00.000Z

I made this Sheperd's Pie tonight and let me tell you it was goooooood. I used this stuff called Quorn mince, a vegetarian ground beef substitute. I don't know if that brand is available in the U.S., but I believe Morningstar Farms does a good version. I suppose that soaked TVP granules would work, too, but they may not have the best texture. Of course, if you're a meat eater you could use mince (ground beef). But you don't really want to do that, do you?

Vegetarian Shepard's Pie

what you need:

1 red onion, minced
2 carrots, diced
8 small mushrooms, chopped
1/2 red pepper, diced
1 package Quorn mince
1 can chopped tomatoes
1 Tbsp tamari (or regular soy sauce, if you don't have tamari)
1/2 cup water
1 tsp sugar
2 large sweet potatoes
3 potatoes (or an equal amount to the sweet potatoes)
3 medium parsnips
1 Tbsp butter
1/3 cup milk
salt and pepper

what to do:

Heat about 2 Tbsp. of olive oil in a large frying pan. Add the red onion, cook for 3-4 minutes, until soft. Then add carrot and red pepper, cook for another 5 minutes. Then add the mushrooms and cook for another 3-4 minutes.

Add the Quorn mince and stir.
Add the can of tomatoes, stir.
Add the water, the sugar and the tamari. Cover and cook for about 15 minutes, stirring frequently to make sure it doesn't stick or get too dry. Salt and pepper to taste.

Cut up the sweet potatoes, the regular potatoes and the parsnips into similar sized chunks. Boil a pan of water and add both kinds of potatoes. After about 10 minutes add the parsnips. Cook for a further 5 minutes or so, until all the vegetables are tender. Drain, add the butter and milk and mash. Add a little bit of salt.

Spoon the Quorn mixture into an oven proof dish. Top with the mash, spreading it out, and then flicking it up with a fork. If you were feeling crazy you could make a creative design on the top of the pie. But I'll leave that up to you. Bake for 30 minutes until the top is starting to brown. You may want to finish it under the grill/broiler to brown the top.

We had this with warm beets and a salad. The kids love it; in fact, Paddy ate more of it than I did! This made enough for two dinners for the four of us (2 adults, 2 little kids). It freezes well, too.

Happy Patrick's Day!

2007-03-17T20:46:00.000Z

We celebrated by watching the Dublin parade along with 650,000 other people...and it was great to see Ireland's new found interculturalism reflected in the Paddy's Day festivities. A great day!

One of the many floats...

The Sikhs are enjoying the day...

And so are the Africans...

These Texan ladies kind of freaked me out...

And what kind of a party would it be without the musical stylings of Sticky Digit??

It was a great day in Dublin. A great day to celebrate Ireland; an Ireland that is constantly changing and evolving. A new Ireland that understands its history, can be proud of its place and influence in the world and welcomes people from around the world to come and contribute to life here. Beannachtai na Feile Padraig!

City Kids

2007-03-14T20:45:00.000Z

I love living in the city.

And raising kids in the city is something we feel good about, even though there are drawbacks. Like, we don't have a garden (that's a "yard" to the Americanos). And we live in an apartment. And sometimes it's noisy (but not too much). However, for us, the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. Neither of us have ever had to travel more than 15 minutes (cycling, or by train, 25 minutes walking) to work. In a city where more and more people are commuting 2 hours or more EACH WAY into town to their job, this is a serious bonus. We don't have a car, which may seem like a drawback. But when you consider that a parking place in our building's underground carpark cost 25,000 euro (that's about $30,000) and that the traffic in Dublin is a total nightmare, being car-free is the biz (not to mention all the carbon emissions we're not spewing out).

But by far, the best thing about living in the city is PARKS.

We go to a park every day that it's not raining (and we have gone when it was raining a couple of times because I was so desperate to get out of the apartment). We are so lucky to have 5 beautiful parks within walking distance, the closest being a 2 minute walk from our building. I love the communal aspect to parks; I love that all kinds of people-kids, parents, teenagers, older people-use the park TOGETHER. I love that Siofra has to wait her turn on the slide, and ask another child if she can join in on the round-about. I love that I've met parents from all over Ireland, Russia, Poland, Nigeria, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Austrailia, England and Latvia in the little park down the street.

One of the parks near us was recently refurbished, and had two amazing playgrounds installed (thank you Dublin City Council!! Thank you Daithi!). It opened today and we went down to check it out. Siofra had a great time (Paddy slept through most of the action) and there was a great feeling of community and enthusiasm there. I think we'll be seeing a lot of it as the weather improves.

Hooray for parks.

To Be a Girl

2007-03-08T20:46:00.000Z

Happy International Women's Day!

I took the opportunity to reflect on the little woman in our house...and on some of her stranger antics of late. Namely, her obsession with all things pink. Not that I have anything against pink, and she looks really cute in pink. But the other day we were discussing getting her some new shoes and she said, "I want pink shoes...because I'm a girl." My feminist alarm bells began to sound. And then she continued, "And Paddy will have black shoes because he's a boy and you'll have pink shoes because you're a girl and Daddy will have black shoes because he's a boy." The bells are ringing, clanging, but I'm trying to keep cool because I'm sure that if I over react now she'll end up in a Miss Ireland/Miss America pageant in 15 years or something. Which would be my worst nightmare (aside from either of them joining the CIA).

"But, Daddy wears pink shirts, and he looks great in them!" I chirped. But she wasn't seeing things my way. "PINK IS FOR GIRLS AND I'M A GIRL." And this "pink for girls" talk has continued for the past few days. Where is it coming from???? It's certainly not from me or Daithi. She likes dolls and tea parties, but she likes trucks, too. And the only "Barbie" she has is this one from Dubai, which could be the subject of a whole other discussion on oppression and liberation. (maybe another day, another post).

She's almost three, and the world has already gotten to her and told her what is expected of her, what her possibilities are, what it is to be a girl. I knew it would happen someday, but I thought she'd have more time.

Sorted, I think

2007-03-06T20:10:00.000Z

Well, it seems like Blogger has finally sorted out whatever problem I was having. I guess all the Irish and British users were experiencing this; sorry those of you who tried to leave comments on my blog. It only took them 5 frickin' days to figure it out. As they say in Dublin, it was "wreckin' me head!" But hopefully now it's solved.

Not that much has happened in the past few days that I need to report. We had a fun night out for Dee's birthday, we attended the Sinn Fein Ard Fheis, which was interesting and fun, as usual, and on Sunday we got the train to the 'burbs to visit our old neighbors (neighbours, I mean) who fled the inner city and now have a house with a garden. It was a good weekend.

I had to go to the dentist today to have a filling replaced, and this caused me much anxiety. I hadn't actually been to the dentist in a shamefully long time, since I gave up going to my old one in MI when we were back visiting. But I had a tooth that made me shutter every time I drank something cold, or even when the wind got to it (and you know I have a big mouth so this happens regularly) so I knew something was up. He was a nice guy, and I was reassured that he had a nice, modern office and high tech equipment. He made everything sound easy-peasy two weeks ago at my consultation visit, but this morning, before the actual treatment, I was filled with dread. I tried to reassure myself that if I can give birth twice without any pain relief I can surely survive a filling with loads of anesthetic. But I was pretty much freakin'. Probably due to a traumatic dental experience when I was 3, but that's another story for another day. Anyhow, he was not entertaining my nerves and basically told me that I needed to trust that he wasn't going to let me feel pain. And, I actually didn't feel anything. My jaw is sore now, and my throat is a bit sore for some reason, but my tooth feels fine and, boy, I'm glad that's over.

Maybe I'll even start flossing.

It's like a...

2007-02-28T10:53:00.000Z

I can't say enough how happy I am with the way Siofra mastered toilet training back in December. It wasn't any great feat on my part; as usual, she did it on her own terms. She had gotten the hang of using the potty while we were at home, but the few times she'd gone to playschool in underpants she had accidents there and ended up coming home wearing someone else's sweatpants...and that ain't her style. And then, one day we ran out of nappies, and she went into school in her underpants and has never looked back since. She has had the odd accident, but very infrequently, and not in the past 2 months. I have to say that I felt daunted by the idea of toilet training, but thankfully she took care of it herself.

Now she takes great pride in being a "big girl," as well as taking a great interest in her waste products. Her latest hobby is to take a look at the poo and comment on it. In the same way that some folks look at the clouds and see images, Siofra sees things in her poo. Here's a list of some of her visions:

1. "It's like a horse!"
2. "It's like a chair!"
3. "It's like a bagel!"
4. "It's like a rainbow!" (this one was yesterday and, wow, it really did look like a rainbow, not in color but in shape.)

I'm sure this is a sign of great intelligence.

Paddy's new accomplishment is being able to do a full performance of Patty Cake, including the Roll It move, which, let's face it, is pretty darn tricky.

Dee is for Doula

2007-02-22T20:38:00.000Z

Paddy turning 1 year old this week has made me reflect (ok, obsess) again on how he came into the world, and on all things to do with birth. It really is my favorite subject these days, probably because it had a profound effect on how I view myself. I had never been an athletic person; in fact, I was probably pretty alienated from sports as a young woman. I never pursued any sport at all, preferring musical, political and academic pursuits to that of the body. However, after I gave birth to Siofra I realized I'd found something I was good at...and it was my body that was doing the work this time! The renown birth educator Sheila Kitzinger wrote in her book The New Experience of Childbirth that after the birth of her first child she realized that she found a sport she could do. I felt exactly the same way and this realization made me feel much more complete in myself.
My own belief is that what women need most to have a positive experience of childbirth is to feel supported and safe throughout the labor and birth. This is why we chose a homebirth with Padraic and it's also why we had a doula. A doula is a woman who is a birth companion, providing emotional support for a woman giving birth. Most doulas have experienced childbirth themselves, and therefore have the advantage of understanding more clearly what the birthing woman is going though. A doula doesn't impose on the role of the midwife or doctor, as she's not there in a medical capacity, but just to support and encourage the woman. She also doesn't interfere with the woman's partner's role at the birth, either, and can actually be helpful to men who may find the birth process unfamiliar and even frightening. I've often heard of men who are frightened at seeing the woman they love coping with the intensity of labor and birth, but with an experienced doula there to calm and comfort, he can let go of that fear, understand that his partner's reaction to the intensity of labor is normal and then really devote his energy to supporting her.
My good friend Dee happened to be at Siofra's birth (actually, although she drove us the hospital, once there she jumped out of the car with us and made her husband Richie do the parking so she wouldn't miss anything). I am so thankful that she was there. It was a crazy 15 minutes between my water breaking and Siofra being born in the hospital elevator, but having her there made me feel safer. So I knew I wanted her there for Padraic's birth, and she was able to do doula training with Michel Odent, another big name in the birth world. She was invaluable to me during the birth. She didn't do anything strange or unfamiliar, just held my hand and told me I was doing great. I also felt that she was really in the moment with me, that she understood exactly what was happening. Even when I couldn't talk, I knew that she knew exactly what was going on, and that the baby would be here soon. I guess maybe this is what my favorite hippie Ina May is on about when she talks about things getting "telepathic." At any rate, she's a great doula and a great friend, and I'm so thankful we've made our journeys into motherhood together.
I'm very excited about the doula training that I'm going to do in June with Penny Simkin. I'm not sure what I'll do with the training afterwards--it may just be a part of my own personal development, or maybe I'll pursue work as a doula. The idea of working to better the birth experience really appeals to me, and who knows what possibilities are out there. What I am sure of is that there's a whole world of information, experience and understanding out there, and I'm eager to learn more! Because what could be more important than making a person's entrance into the the world the best it can be?

Padraic and the doula extraordinaire, Dee

Happy Birthday, Padraic Sean!

2007-02-19T20:57:00.000Z

Today Paddy is one year old! We had his birthday party yesterday and it was a great success. Tony came from England for the weekend and Ann and Muriel came from Cork. Paddy enjoyed the party, but he particularly enjoyed his cake. Unfortunately he reached out and smudged the frosting on the turtle's face before I got a good picture of it. It was quite a creative undertaking for me, and I take great pride in it, despite most of the party guests not being able to tell what it was. You can check out the turtle cake and other photos from the party here.

It's hard to believe my little guy is one. It seems like yesterday that he was born...

Here we are, reliving his joyous, peaceful and beautifully natural birth.

Because I'm so generous...

2007-02-08T08:42:00.000Z

...I'll give you a laugh at my expense.

Firstly, 1st Happy Anniversary to our friends Eric and Kusi. These lucky bastards spent 4 nights in Paris to celebrate. Anyhoo, this special occasion brings me back to one year ago: heartburn, water retention, weird numb/tingly thigh (that is still not completely right), feet so swollen my shoes were like vices, and a maternity dress that got worn once (but I did manage to give it to a pregnant friend of mine here, so hopefully it got worn again).

And to think that everyone was telling me how "neat" my bump was...how I was so much smaller than with Siofra. Uh, what?!?!

Thumbs up!

Breaking News!

2007-02-02T21:11:00.000Z

17 days to his 1st birthday and...

...Paddy's walking! He got the hang of standing this afternoon, and took proper steps tonight! He spent the whole evening practicing. We are all very exciting for him, and he was thrilled with himself. All the excitement/attention also prompted Siofra to re-enact her first steps, falling dramatically into my arms. This was followed by her request that I, too, relive my "first steps," and land in her outstretched arms.

Hurray! Now maybe I can cook dinner without a child hanging off my pantleg! Life is so exciting.

Our little guy is not a baby anymore...so is it time for another one? ONLY JOKING!

La Feile Bhride

2007-02-01T20:49:00.000Z

Today is St. Bridget's Day here in Ireland, but to be more accurate it marks the pagan festival Imbolc (you know how those Christians love to swipe all the good holidays and rename them).

In other words...Spring is here!!

So Siofra was right to wear those sunglasses to bed last night...